serendipity

Into each life, a little magic must fall

2010-11-13T06:16:00.000-08:00

This has been a bad week. But I woke up this morning to a winter wonderland. And all of a sudden, I am happy. I have hope. I am motivated.

I moved here for the summers. For the hot weather. For the sun. For the humidity. For the thunderstorms.

Those things make me happy. They make me blissful. They make my day. They make me grin every time.

But as it turns out, the winters here have the same effect. To me, every snow fall is magic. And I need a little magic. :)

The Path to Patience

2010-11-11T09:31:00.000-08:00

If you only depend on others, you will soon go hungry.
- Nepalese Proverb

Almost every day, I find myself waiting for someone in order to feel better or get something done.

The problem is, when I am waiting for someone, I become impatient and angry.

Keep a green tree in your heart

2010-11-10T04:59:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning from a bad night. I have had two good days this week, after having a couple of weeks of having only bad days. So I had been mostly happy.

But as I went to sleep, I was overcome by something I will call guilt, though I doubt it is guilt. I would imagine it is how I feel when I haven't finished something that I should have finished. But it's also how I feel when I spend money on things. It's the feeling I have when I am out of my comfort zone.

I tossed and turned all night.

When I woke up, I knew it was morning and that I would have to get up. I was discouraged by the bad sleep I had. I was facing a day of so much to do. I reluctantly opened my eyes.

The first thing I generally look at when I wake up is my bedroom window. I think I do this to see if it is light out, to see if it is actually time to wake up. And I did just that this morning. And you know what I saw? Red. Pink. Orange.

I immediately knew what was happening. The sun was rising, filling the sky with amazing color. I pulled open the blind, hurrying to see the sunrise. I had been right.

(I am a photographer. I seem internally driven to photograph all the beauty I see during my daily life.)

So even though I was tired and groggy and discouraged, I got up, grabbed my phone (camera) and rushed out onto my balcony to capture the sunrise.

The sunrise was truly beautiful.

When I was done taking pictures, I went inside, put breakfast in the oven, grabbed some caffeine, went to the bathroom, and returned to my bedroom. As I walked in, I looked out the window.

And you know what I saw?

The sunrise was gone. Completely gone. Just in that few minutes--couldn't have been more than three minutes--all the color was gone. The sky was just the very light blue of morning, mostly cloudy. It is November, so almost all the leaves are gone from the trees. So it was a pretty stark, sad scene out my window as I returned.

And I marveled at that. That three minutes ago, the sky was so lovely it was breathtaking. And now, just plain old sky. I stood for a moment and starred at that sky. A sky that could be so beautiful and was actually so plain most of the time. It wasn't even a pretty blue this morning.

Standing there, I was reminded of gratitude and attitude and how they can transform things too. Like the sun being at the right angle, my being grateful seems to light up the sky of my internal world.

I will try to remember that every sky has the ability to look beautiful. As I travel through my day, I will try to see the breathtaking sunrise in everything.

“There was never a night or a problem that could defeat sunrise or hope.” - Bern Williams

Out with the old...

2010-11-09T12:12:00.000-08:00

It's a new phase of my life. I have been in one mode since February of 2009 and that mode is going to be phased out. The first step of phasing out begins today. The second step of phasing out begins in January. And I think the perfect metaphor for ending a life mode is to:

Clean and rearrange my house as a commencement activity!

A purging of sorts!

Buy vacuum, mattress cover, quarters for laundry
Gather trash, put in larger bags that can be easily taken to dumpster
Load dishwasher, run dishwasher, empty dishwasher
Clothing laundry
Two loads a day, bedding laundry
- Comforter, Duvet cover
- Comforter, Duvet cover
- Quilt, Quilt
- Quilt, Wool blanket
Bleach/scrub bathroom floor
Bleach/scrub kitchen floor
Bleach/scrub entry floor
Clean bathtub
Clean toilet
Clean bathroom surfaces
Clean kitchen counters
Clean oven
Rearrange living room
Move mattress to living room
Never take the computer off the table (never it bring it to bed)
Reorganize cleaning supplies

The new room arrangement--back to studio living! Back to the real Wende! :)

Letting go

2010-11-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

“Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.” – Ann Landers

Sometimes, you just have to let go. Sometimes holding on to someone or something is just holding onto a source of daily pain and disappointment. Sometimes letting go is taking a step toward something better.

Letting go often feels like walking into the fog. But when you are standing on the shore, you can be sure that no matter how thick the fog, if you are waking toward the water, you will come upon the sea at some point. The fog can't obscure what is there.

When it's really foggy, you have to have faith and walk bravely into it.

Just like that, sometimes you have to let go. Because really. There has to be something better than this. There has to be something better than this.

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” – Lao Tzu

The lesser of two griefs

2010-11-07T12:46:00.001-08:00

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” – Hermen Hesse

Sometimes things are just over. They are disappointing. They didn't turn out like you wanted. You feel like you wasted a lot of precious time. Sometimes things are just sad.

But hanging on to something that is over, wasting even more time just because letting go is sad, that would be even more sad.

The Gratitude Contest

2010-11-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

I am very attentive. I notice one thing without fail. I detect it regardless of how busy I am. I never fail to see it.

What is this thing that I keep perfect track of? It is hurt, insults, slights, meanness.

And today, I am turning over a new leaf. Until the end of the year, I am going to attempt to spend every day noticing the blessing of every event, every remark, every action. Every time I notice something that hurts me, I am going to stop and figure out the blessing in the event.

It's a Gratitude Contest. How much can I find to be grateful for? How much can I change what I notice in the next 56 days?

By the way, 56 is an interesting number. According to the I Ching, 56 is called Lu and Lu:

represents a time in your life when you feel the need to travel. There is a feeling that something is missing and now is a good time for you to undertake a quest to find out what. Lu should not be seen as a time to take a trip to escape from difficulties but as a time to gain knowledge. Travel will help provide something that is lacking in your relationship. Travel can be used as a means of gaining knowledge in an area that is lacking.

Seems fitting, huh?

Sunday November 14 Today I noticed these blessings, these miracles, these serendipities:

Got the work on Melissa's grant done
Got to have lunch with Deanne
Got to see Morning Glory - amazing! Changed everything!
Took a shower
I slept last night
Had big epiphany!

Saturday November 13 Today I noticed these blessings, these miracles, these serendipities:

It was the first snow! Such a lovely way to wake up!
The snow brought motivation to my day!
I went tanning!
I got Melissa's website done.
Took a shower
Went grocery shopping
I slept last night

Friday November 12 Today I noticed these blessings, these miracles, these serendipities:

I felt very heard on a phone call that I thought was going to go badly
A friend wanted to make sure I didn't have a bad weekend
A friend sent a very nice email
A friend tried to help me on chat
I got to talk to a new colleague on the phone

Wednesday November 10 Today I noticed these blessings, these miracles, these serendipities:

The sunrise was beautiful.
A friend was super helpful with a work problem.
I read the forgiveness quote in Martha's book.
I ate lunch.
I got all the re-budgeting done.
I got two projects calendared.
I mostly kept on top of my email.
It turned into a sunny day!
After the sun set, it rained and thundered and lightninged and it was just a luscious storm!
It was a warm enough day that I had my window open until 9:30 at night!

Tuesday November 9 Today I noticed these blessings, these miracles, these serendipities:

The birthday presents were pretty well received.
I had fun at lunch.
It was sunny.
I got some good work done.
I got to talk to Elizabeth.

Monday November 8 Today I noticed these blessings, these miracles, these serendipities:

It is sunny!
I woke up without being super tired and I woke up earlyish!
I am getting a lot done today!
Seems like this paycheck, there is enough money :)
I had a lot of fun today when I was driving--a gorgeous warm day even though it's November!
I liked my outfit today
I had a good talk with my dad today
I felt good and detached still today about the situation that has, in the past, made me unhappy. Yay!
I got a lot done at work today.
I took a shower!

Sunday November 7 Today I noticed these blessings, these miracles, these serendipities:

It was sunny!
I got to wrap presents!
I made a plan to watch Christmas movies every day! yay!
I took a shower today
It's the weekend!
I got some healthy food from Red Robin
I wasn't unhappy about a situation that has been making me unhappy for many months
I slept good and woke up without being tired
I got to talk to Sonja about her life
I got to talk to Sonja about the class I used to teach

Saturday November 6 Today I noticed these blessings:

Had a good meal at Red Robin
Got some good shopping done
Got to buy wrappings--one of my favorite things
Hopefully I brightened someone's day with a special delivery
It was sunny!
I got to talk to Elizabeth
I have a new philosophy and plan! Yay!
I am reading a new novel I like
Bath and Body has the sparkly perfume and lotion in stock! Yay!
I got a work tasks done that I had been behind on
I am caught up on two of the six projects I manage.
I took a shower today
I wrote in my journal today
I got to talk to Mel
It's the weekend!
It's Christmas!
I slept good and woke up without being tired

Friday November 5 Today I noticed these blessings:

I finally found a calendar that meets my needs
It was sunny
I have a job
I have a rough over my head
I love the weather where I live
I have fresh flowers
I bought a new book
I finished a project I have been procrastinating for weeks
I found some GREAT cards
I woke up this morning and didn't feel tired
I have a very supportive dad
I have a very supportive friend
My friend sent me a very nice email
I got two nice texts
I found a place to buy flying wish paper
It's the weekend
I found RED journals

Monday November 15
Tuesday November 16
Wednesday November 17
Thursday November 18
Friday November 19
Saturday November 20
Sunday November 21
Monday November 22
Tuesday November 23
Wednesday November 24
Thursday November 25
Wednesday November 26
Thursday November 27
Friday November 28
Saturday November 29
Sunday November 30
Monday December 1
Tuesday December 2
Wednesday December 3
Thursday December 4
Friday December 5
Saturday December 6
Sunday December 7
Monday December 8
Tuesday December 9
Wednesday December 10
Thursday December 11
Friday December 12
Saturday December 13
Sunday December 14
Monday December 15
Tuesday December 16
Wednesday December 17
Thursday December 18
Friday December 19
Saturday December 20
Sunday December 21
Monday December 22
Tuesday December 23
Wednesday December 24
Thursday December 25
Friday December 26
Saturday December 27
Sunday December 28
Monday December 29
Tuesday December 30
Wednesday December 31

August 28 2010: Kansas Mornings

2010-08-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

On Saturday when I woke up, there was a breeze coming through my window that had a certain scent. It immediately reminded me of the way many windy Kansas mornings smelled when I was growing up.

Kansas is a bit hotter than Minnesota in the summer. Regularly 100 degrees, whereas Minnesota tends to cap out in the upper 90s. And although Minnesota is humid a lot, Kansas has slightly more humidity. They are very close. Kansas is just heat and humidity ratcheted up a wee bit more.

The big difference is the wind. Kansas is almost always windy. The wind is stiff and it is hot!

But sometimes in Kansas, especially as summer is waning, you wake up in the morning, after a hot day previous and the breeze across the yard has a crisp smell to it, cool and...well maybe it smells like dew.

That is what the breeze this morning reminded me of. Waking up on so many Kansas mornings throughout my childhood

Self Care

2010-08-28T07:42:00.001-07:00

Self-Care Quiz

How good are you at taking care of yourself?

Yes___ No___ 1. Do you take time for yourself every day?
Yes___ No___ 2. Do you exercise 5 times a week for at least 30 minutes?
Yes___ No___ 3. Do you get 7-8 hours of sleep every night?
Yes___ No___ 4. Do you brush and floss your teeth twice a day?
Yes___ No___ 5. Do you have a haircut you love?
Yes___ No___ 6. Do you your nails look great?
Yes___ No___ 7. Do you get together with a friend at least once a month?
Yes___ No___ 8. Do you have a hobby you do at least twice a month?
Yes___ No___ 9. Do you have a spiritual discipline like prayer, meditation, or church?
Yes___ No___ 10. Do you watch less than one hour of TV a day?
Yes___ No___ 11. Do you say no to requests that aren't right for you?
Yes___ No___ 12. Do you usually know how you are feeling?
Yes___ No___ 13. Do you usually know what you need?
Yes___ No___ 14. Is your home organized enough to make you feel peaceful?
Yes___ No___ 15. Does your environment support your goals?
Yes___ No___ 16. Do you have something fun to look forward to every evening?
Yes___ No___ 17. Do you take frequent breaks during the day to recharge?
Yes___ No___ 18. Do you have a nurturing daily routine?
Yes___ No___ 19. Do you have a relaxing bedtime ritual?
Yes___ No___ 20. Do you know what you are passionate about?

Now add up all your Yes answers.

17-20 I am very proud of you. You are taking excellent care of yourself. Now you can delve further into things like getting massages, simplifying your life, and getting rid of as many stressors as you can.

13-16 You know how to take care of yourself. Now to do it consistently. Here is an Excel checklist you can use to track your daily self-care. Feel free to add or remove actions to suit your personal needs.

9-12 You may value yourself, but seem to put yourself last too often. Set an evening just for you every week with no outside obligations. Cull your calendar to get rid of unimportant meetings, etc. Turn off the TV after an hour. Put in a daily half hour for you in your appointment book. Let go of unrealistic standards of how much you can get done in a day. Cut your to do list for the day in half. Now use that time to work on one thing on the checklist above until you form a habit. Then move onto another one.

4-8 You feel guilty every time you take time for yourself. You need to realize that your family, friends and work don't want an empty vessel. They want a vibrant, authentic, energetic you. Talk with your family about how you want to start taking better care of yourself. Discuss how they can help out more. If they are supportive, see if they are open to having you be accountable to them. Which thing from the above checklist do you think would have the most impact on your energy and well-being? Work on that action until it becomes a habit.

0-3 You don't really think you deserve to take care of yourself. You feel unimportant in the scheme of things. Kids, family and everyone else always comes before you. Journal your feeling about self-care. Write down ways you give to others. Notice that you are needed. The world wouldn't be the same without you. Write down your best qualities and skills. Often we think we don't have any, but if you ask someone else they will say that they've always admired you for... We think if something comes easy to us, then it can't be a real skill. When in reality, the stuff that comes easy are the things we do best and are meant to do. You are just as important as the other people in your life. Shine for them! Pick an easy, non-threatening action to start caring for yourself. Maybe you can drink one more glass of water or take 5 minutes alone. Start small and work your way up.

http://www.encouragingcoach.com/self-care-quiz.htm

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http://stress.about.com/od/lowstresslifestyle/a/selfcare.htm

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http://www.utdallas.edu/counseling/selfhelp/selfcare.html

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http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/everybody-marries-the-wrong-person/201006/self-care-in-toxic-world

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August 27 2010: Tree Ballet

2010-08-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

It is really difficult to capture wind on a still camera. The wind was blowing hard in both pictures. The second is possibly a little blurry, which is the closest I came to photographing the lovely breeze that blew across the prairie all day today.

One of my favorite things about myself, that I didn't even KNOW about until 2007, is that I love weather, I love nature, I love observing what each day brings into the world of nature around me.

For a while in 2008 and 2009, I made a vow to take a picture every day. I loved doing that. I loved what it did to my world view. I loved the rhythm it brought to my every day life.

But it's been a while since I have taken a picture every day. I miss being a person who did that.

Today I noticed how pretty the wind was in the trees. I noticed how much like a ballet the tree limbs were swaying strongly and bending deep with each new blast...waving their deep green leaves against the bright blue summer sky.

It occurred to me that I should try to capture that ballet with my iphone and that I should write about it. And then it occurred to me that perhaps I should write each day about the various weather and nature blessings I encounter. After all, I have been so happy, so grateful every day to live back in the prairie on which I grew up. And yet, I have documented very little of the daily weather or nature favors I have received since I moved.

So today I wanted to write about that the heat has returned. The last few days it has been so cool that I thought fall may have been coming. But today it was warm like a Minnesota summer always is. I even flirted with turning on the air conditioning. But all day, the heat was mitigated by a lovely strong breeze that blew, dancing through tree limbs, fluttering leaves under a bright sunny sky. It was a lovely day. If you could bottle it, you could label it "Minnesota Summer Day" and open it every now and then as January, February, and March settle too deep into your bones.

Who I Am

2010-08-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

Its been a bad nine months. It has been hard for me to articulate, this past nine months, who I am, what is good about me, what I like, what is unique about me. I feel lost. I feel worthless. This blog post is my attempt to articulate who I am.

I like movies. I like good movies, for good reasons. When I speak about movies, I am interesting and animated.
I am a good speaker.
I am a good teacher.
I am an encouraging friend.
I am a good project manager.
I build community among disparate groups well.
I am a good helper with technology and online resources.
I am a good helper with household tasks (cleaning, arranging, organizing, etc.)

Contributing

2010-08-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

Its been a bad nine months. It has been hard for me to articulate, this past nine months, what about me makes me deserve to take up space on the planet, why I deserve to breathe precious oxygen. The days when I feel worthless keep coming. This blog post is my attempt to articulate why it's good that I exist, what I contribute, how I justify my life.

Because of me, there is a very skilled junior high math teacher and swim coach working with kids. He was gonna work in insurance when I met him and he is a great teacher.
Because of me, several hundred students took a class they liked and had a teacher who knew them and thought they were talented.
Because of me, 15 national rubrics exist for all of higher education to use.
Because of me, a friend who was kind to me in the past has an easier life on a week to week basis.
Because of me, my grandmother felt loved during a lonely time in her life.
Because I was around when she was a kid, there is a girl whose life was made richer.
Because of me, a student stayed in school.

Settle Up

2010-08-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

Here are some quotes:

"Leave this world a little better than you found it." - Baden-Powell's Last Message (1945)
"The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit." - Nelson Henderson

These quotes are my belief, passion, and goal. But I think for some people...for at least me...before I leave the world better than I found it, I have to make up for the damage I have already done. In order to plant trees, I have to repair the scorched earth I have, in some cases, left behind in my life.

In the words of screenwriter Grant Nieporte, I owe my "seven pounds."

So I am devoting the next 22 months to settling up. It would feel good to be at zero, instead of always being in the negative.

What I Know For Sure:

2010-08-23T15:47:00.000-07:00

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Oprahs-Battle-with-Weight-Gain-O-January-2009-Cover

After the Fire

2010-08-21T06:38:00.001-07:00

written in April 2010

I have walked around my whole life not knowing who I am.

I have been a chameleon, changing in order to be liked. Metamorphizing to fit the tastes of whoever I was with. So afraid that people would not like who I really am inside, deep down, that I lost touch completely with that person--that down deep inside person.

I have sat at many a sidewalk cafe complaining to friends that I lose myself. But I have never been able to convey the terror-inducing panic I feel because I truly don't know who I am. That I fear that there is no one there...beneath it all.

* * *

A fire has been burning for many months. Depending on how you count it has been burning for thirteen months or four. Either way, the fire has burned without respite and I have cried out as it has consumed every aspect of my life, burning my flesh, singeing my hair.

I have wept looking around at the charred landscape of my existence. I have felt a deeper loneliness than I thought possible seeing that the fire has left me with nothing. I have been afraid because I couldn't imagine anything but the scorched earth that stretched out before me, as far as my eyes could see.

But yesterday, a new feeling welled up within me. I don't know where it came from. I can only count it as a miracle. And I am grateful to the God whose name I do not know for it, for I am not sure how much longer I could have continued on.

Out of the blue, yesterday, it occurred to me that I wasn't left with nothing. Looking around, I noticed, I had the ashes. I had what remained from the fire. Matter had survived.

And so this blog will document my gathering and identifying of the ashes. Of what remains. I am so thankful to find that I have been left with something and I look around, with a weepy smile, scooping up handfuls of precious ashes, crying tears of joy. You know you have come a long way down when you are grateful for ashes.

Another thing: yesterday I was quite sure that after the fire burned so white hot, that what remains is solid and true--refined by fire. It is a firm foundation on which one can stand. I can count on it. And that is a feeling I have been looking for all my life.

I feel scared to trust it. But it is all I have left, and the time has come to trust something.

So today I begin to look around and see who it is that survived the blaze. What parts of me were unable to be destroyed? And so I move forward from here, gathering those ashes together and looking forward to rising from them. Like a phoenix.

Forever Young

2010-08-21T06:37:00.001-07:00

written in April 2010

As I sift through ashes, one of the things that I find is a new show on NBC called Parenthood. Its loosely based on the Ron Howard's 1989 movie of the same name and Ron Howard is one of the show's producers. Its theme song is Bob Dylan's "Forever Young".

Although this seems odd, I swear that when the song began to play during the show opening, it was the first time I had ever heard it. And that song moved me in huge way. Give it a listen:

I think the song gives voice to some of the core philosophies of my life. Good to know! And, for some reason, the song itself makes me happy and gives me hope. That is reason enough. So I pick it up out of the ashes and count it as a puzzle piece of a self I can finally know, count on, stand firm within.

"May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young."

The Electric Horseman

2010-08-21T06:36:00.001-07:00

written in April 2010

As I sift through ashes, I find a lot of things from my childhood. I wonder if they couldn't be burned away because they are core parts of who I am. Proverbs 22:6 says "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." I wonder if this is part of what that means. Things that are deeply ingrained in you when you are young seems to flow through your veins like blood. They seem to be imprinted on your cells like DNA.

One of the things that I found today is the movie The Electric Horseman, directed by the inimitable and much mourned Sydney Pollack. I was 12 when I first saw this movie. And my father had already schooled me in the Robert Redford fan club. The character Redford plays in this movie is a good and simple man, willing to do the right thing even when its hard. He is kind and honest. This movie wrote on the wall of my heart. Here's my favorite scene from the film:

So I pick The Electric Horseman up out of the ashes and count it as a puzzle piece of a self I can finally know, count on, stand firm within.

Water Sprite

2010-08-21T06:35:00.001-07:00

written in April 2010

Linus Larrabee: [to Sabrina] So, that really is a beautiful name. How did you get it?
Sabrina: My father's reading. It's in a poem.
Linus Larrabee: Oh?
Sabrina: "Sabrina fair, listen where thou art sitting under the glassy, cool, translucent wave, in twisted braids of lilies knitting the loose train of thy amber-dropping hair."
Linus Larrabee: [pause] So, your little poem - what does it mean?
Sabrina: It's the story of a water sprite who saved a virgin from a fate worse than death.
Linus Larrabee: I suppose Sabrina's the virgin?
Sabrina: [quietly] Sabrina's the savior.
- Sabrina (1995)

As I sift through ashes, one of the things that I found today, I found when I went out to Excelsior to see an old friend from high school.

I lived in Excelsior when I was five. We lived on a lake and had a willow tree in our back yard. (Excelsior is a lovely little village west of the Twin Cities. Its right on Lake Minnetonka and has a quaint and upscale downtown...just a few streets of bistros and wine stores and galleries.) It feels a little bit like Cannon Beach for you Oregonians.

I left an hour before my appointment. I wasn't sure how long it would take to drive there from Roseville (where I live). I was early and in driving up and down the little streets of Excelsior, I ran into the lake. (Not hard to do.)

I grew up at this lake. It is huge and wanders about the western suburbs. I played in the "Port of Excelsior" park when I was a little girl and walked through it under the moonlight with a boy who gave me his coat and put his arm around me when I was a little older.

That lake took my breath away today.

I had forgotten the power of that lake. And never have I been so sure that moving back was the right thing as I was when I was standing at that shore today. The smell of the water, the damp wind on my face, the deep blue of the water, the expanse of wind-swept water as far as the eye can see. Like coming home.

So I pick Lake Minnetonka up out of the ashes and count it as a puzzle piece of a self I can finally know, count on, stand firm within.

A Self to Stay Within

2010-08-21T06:34:00.000-07:00

As I have mentioned, I have been watching and falling in love with a new show on NBC called Parenthood. Last week's episode was called "The Big O" and introduces a new character. One of the families on the show have a son named Max who has Asperger syndrome (a form of autism.) In this episode, his parents hire a Behavioral Aide named Gaby. Watching her in this episode (see a glimpse of her in the preview below), I was so struck by her presence, her centeredness.

She is in the middle of family situation that is chaotic and stressful, but she is very sure of who she is. She stays within herself the entire time. To me, watching her, it seemed clear that she has built a life that is meeting her needs and that she does not need to meet her needs inappropriately, like when she is working with someone's child. It was impressive and inspirational to watch and gave me a goal: to build a self that I can stay within.

So then, I learn that sometimes this blog is a recounting of a self I find, a self that survived the fire. Sometimes it describes things I find growing up out of the ashes, things I find growing within my self. And now sometimes, it spells out things I would like in the future for my self...goals.

I Love To Drive

2010-08-21T06:33:00.002-07:00

As I sift through ashes, one of the things that I find is that I love to drive. I feel better when I am driving on a highway. I mean, not in traffic. But when things are moving along at a nice clip, it drastically improves my mood. I have no idea why.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I love to drive because I am in control of driving and I make great progress. I tend to like things that yield instant gratification. I like vacuuming, painting, ironing. They are all things where right away you can see, right away, that you are making great progress. I sort of wonder if driving is the ultimate in instant gratification. You instantly make progress. Always moving forward. What a great activity!

So I pick driving up out of the ashes and count it as a puzzle piece of a self I can finally know, count on, stand firm within.

Its Hard To Be Sad When You're Tan

2010-08-21T06:33:00.001-07:00

As I sift through ashes, one of the things that I find is that I am a lot happier when I am tan. Lots of people in Minnesota tan. I have a very close relationship with someone who tans. I know a lot of people who do.

I don't know why more people tan in Minnesota than in Portland. But that IS the case. Maybe its the long winters. Maybe its the lake culture--when you spend all summer on a lake you get used to being tan. But regardless of the reason, you can't swing a dead cat here without hitting a tanning salon.

I have gotten advice from numerous folks that I should tan. They claim marvelous mental health benefits. I finally gave in today. And WOW! were they RIGHT!!!

I can't tell you how much happier that tight, warm feeling of tan and slightly sunburnt on my skin makes me feel. Who knew? I would imagine that I will try to give up this cancer-causing habit as soon as my mental health returns, but right now, it seems TOTALLY worth it.

So I pick being tan up out of the ashes and count it as a puzzle piece of a self I can finally know, count on, stand firm within.

Green Shoots

2010-08-21T06:31:00.000-07:00

Up until now I have been noting pieces of myself that I find in the ashes. Today I will try to attempt to describe something that I think is growing from out of the ash.

"I heard the poet Gary Snyder speak with a geologist whose name I don't recall on one of the anniversaries of the eruption of Mt. St. Helens. Each has a long history with the mountain and because of that were in the first group, via helicopter, to visit the site. Everything they knew prepared them for complete devastation. The trees downed like pick up sticks are in all of our memories, the heavy sludge that flowed and buried everything in its wake, along with ash, rivers and acres of ash all led them, everyone, to that conclusion. It was with sadness and the knowledge that things were irreperably harmed that they took those first steps outside the chopper. And very little time had elapsed to change anything; it would take centuries. But what they found took their breath away. New, green life was everywhere. Yes, tiny green life, but it was there. And some of it represented plants that had not been able to thrive beneath all those tree canopies, plants that were rising into the light and spreading out, undergrowth now moving to reinhabit this portion of earth, to prepare the way for the return of trees, of animals, of life." - Susan Reese

I have noticed a two or three part change in my self the last few days. In this post I will attempt to describe the first part.

All my life, I have had a black and white view of the world. I have believed in cause and effect:

Good people do good things and the universe responds.
When you try hard, things eventually work out.
Kind people are not slapped in the face with cruelty.
If you give to others, they will give back to you.

But the 121 days that passed from December 7 to April 7 was like cold water in my face, in the face of my beliefs about the universe. Time and again I tried hard and my progress went backward. Time and again I was kind and was treated cruelly. As the days went by, I lost more and more hope. My self was almost completely lost along with my hope.

But the past few days, I have felt my beliefs about the universe shift. I can feel the start of a belief growing from the ashes and the devastation. Its a belief that is less about hard work and more about enjoying the moment. Its a belief that is less about justice and more about letting things go by...of realizing that this is just right now. It is a belief that is more about expecting that the universe will be kind regardless of what a person does--that the pendulum swings both ways and that it is never winter forever. Even in Narnia.

I shall have to see how this belief grows and continue to evaluate it as time goes by. But for right now, it feels like a more compassionate way to view the world. So I pick a belief in the universe being kinder than the protestant work ethic is up out of the ashes and count it as a puzzle piece of a self I can finally know, count on, stand firm within.

A Self Independent of Others and Circumstances

2010-08-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

Today I begin to have a small sense of myself as being separate from others. A self that is not the circumstances that happen each day.

I have no more information today than that.

But it is more than I have ever had before.

Just Me, Loving a Moment in an Ordinary Day

2010-08-21T06:28:00.000-07:00

Today I was driving to Kinkos from the tanning salon. I was already in a good mood from the tanning. I was on my way to Kinkos, to copy about fifteen pictures of my self from the past.

They were pictures I just love. Pictures of a self I would be happy to be again. Pictures of a girl who was centered, happy and balanced in terms of her body and her brain.

I believe now that I can get back to that place. I believe that I can again be that girl who had enough hope that she still openly declared and pursued her dreams. She was a girl with an open heart and a ready laugh. Hard things had happened to that girl, but she still believed in magic. You could see it on her face.

Despite everything, the girl who is typing this still believes in magic. Even after all the hard times. Even after all these years. So I know I can be that girl again. I can choose to be her.

On the way home from copying those pictures--which felt like act of reclaiming my true self--I was driving in the bright sun, in the lovely heat, in the summer breeze. My car windows were down. The sun warmed my skin as I reached out the window with my hand just to feel the wind.

I smiled all the way home.

I looked around while I drove, loving the day. And I realized that it in that moment, it was me, loving just that moment. I was not looking at the moment, wishing I could share it with someone, feeling lonely, made sad by a lovely moment spent alone. Which is what I have been doing and thinking since about 1992. In that moment today, it was just me, loving the moment simply because it felt good, simply because I was a girl who is a real person, a girl who has a real self. That girl loves summer, loves the sun, she believes in magic, and it was a magical day, so I loved the moment. Just me, living in that moment, blissful, my happiness pressed down, shaken together and still running over.

And I can't remember the last time I did that--just enjoyed a moment...just existed in a moment, being happy. Maybe it was back in the summer of 2004 when I spent the day all by myself at the beach. But I know that the last time I did it on consistent, somewhat daily basis was probably the summer of 1988. As 1988 turned into 1989, those days were gone.

1988.

Right now I could choose to be stunned that it has been that long. I could choose to regret all that wasted time.

But instead, I am choosing to be happy that I am who I am right now. And right now, I know, down to my toes, that it is not too late.

Because you know what they say:

"Sometimes you can be gone forever, and still make it back in time." - Late for Dinner

Things That Are True About Me

2010-08-21T06:16:00.000-07:00

I believe in magic. I love Christmas. I love the way strangers conspire to convince children that Santa exists. I love Harry Potter and the fact that those books were among the most popular of all time renews my faith in humanity--the world is not wall to wall cynics. It is populated by grown-ups who, in their heart of hearts, believe they just never got their letter from Hogwarts. I believe in all enchantment. I believe in the awe of children. I believe in the return of spring that begins in the dead of winter. I believe that wishing makes its so. This fervent belief, this rock solid faith, is good in a variety of situations. I am good to have around when all hope is lost because people who believe in magic believe that Aslan will rise again, no matter how dead he seems, that there is deep magic written long ago. I am good to have around when hearts are broken, because people who believe in magic believe that people who truly loved once are far more likely to love again and that Wesley will always come for you. I am good to have around when injustice has befallen you because people who believe in magic believe forgiveness can grow and flourish in even the most harsh desert and that the Whos down in Whoville sang even on a most desolate Christmas morning. People who believe in magic also know that the Grinch brings back the presents. This is a gift that cannot be taught and I am lucky to still have it. This belief lightens hearts and those around me are blessed by this part of me.

I have lovely eyes. I have the rare green eyes. They are beautiful. I love them and they are something about myself that I always love.

I have a good sense of humor. Not only do I say funny things frequently, but I often laugh at stressful situations. So I keep my sense of humor under stress. To have a good sense of humor is lucky. To keep it when things fall apart is also lucky.

I have great feet. A lot of people have a weird thing about feet. They don't like their own feet. They don't like other people's feet. I, on the other hand, have GREAT feet. And I love my feet. Its very very good to love your body.

I am a very good worker. I work quickly. I am both a good picture visionary and a good detailed implementer. My work skills are applicable in a countless number of work environments. I have a reputation for getting impossible jobs done.

I make a lovely home. I am a good decorator. I make lovely, orderly, restful, masculine spaces. I love the spaces I create and that is lucky.

I am very smart. There are different types of smart. I am quick. I am quick processor. This enable me to understand problems very quickly. It also enables me to arrive at solutions far ahead of others. This is a GREAT quality. I am lucky to be who I am. Those around me are lucky I have this gift.

I have great fingernails. They are consistently strong and long. They are lovely. I am very lucky.

I am very good with technology. I can learn new programs quickly. I am not afraid to play with it. I have a great memory for technology stuff. I have an intuitive sense of how technology works. This is a gift and I am very lucky.

I am great in bed. I love sex. From what I hear, this is unusual for a girl. And I am very good at it. And I really enjoy the work. This is a true gift and I am very lucky. As are all the boys. :)

Even when you don't know that people are watching you

2010-08-21T05:44:00.001-07:00

I ran errands yesterday. It was pretty unpleasant.

I have been watching Seven Pounds over and over again the last couple of days. There is a scene in the movie in which this exchange takes place:

George: "You know, Ben, I keep asking you this, but, why me?"
Ben: "Because you are a good man. Even when you don't know that people are watching you."

This quote really resonated with me.

When I was in my twenties, I was going through some traumatic things. Hurt people hurt people. And I did. I hurt people who didn't deserve to be hurt.

After I hit rock bottom, I worked for at least four years to be a better person. I worked to be a person who could look herself in the mirror at the end of the day.

I was stunned that it worked. I was stunned that I could actually improve myself.

I grew up with very poor self-esteem and I have to say, I was stunned that I could improve at all. I think I had been taught so well, convinced so thoroughly that I was so worthless, that there was nothing good about me, that I was just shocked to find that I could accomplish something worthwhile.

After the shock wore off, I was proud of myself. And I was spurred on to further self-improvement.

By the time ten years had gone by, I had improved myself so much that I was pretty happy with lots of aspects of myself.

Fast forward a few years. I have no idea how the following happened, but over the last year, I have ceased to be someone I am proud of. I don't think good things about myself when I look at myself in the mirror.

So, of course, I am planning another self-improvement project.

Objectively, I am in a lot better shape than I was when I worked hard to be a better person when I was in my twenties. So, surely I could be successful this time too. Right? Starting from a better place, surely I could get at least as good of a result. Right?

Surely, having done it once before, I could work now to become someone who was good, even when I don't know that people are watching.

Which brings me back to the errands.

I was cross with at least one actual person while I ran errands yesterday and I cursed several in my head as I drove on crowded highways and walked through crowded stores. I am impatient and I loathe inefficiency. This results in me being highly critical of others. And it certainly results in me creating an unpleasant environment in my mind, in my heart a lot of the time.

That has to change. Not only do I need to be kinder to others, to strangers, when I encounter them in daily life. But I need to be more at peace myself. I have to live with myself and I am no fun to live with.

But I did learn one thing as I ran errands. And in my book, if you can learn something from a bad experience, then maybe it wasn't a complete disaster.

I learned that I can't leave things til the last minute. I have to plan things more carefully. I have to run one errand per day so that I can work on being purposefully calm and kind and gracious and compassionate in any circumstance.

“All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes.” - Winston Churchill

"The vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand and he reworked it into another vessel."

2010-08-21T05:43:00.000-07:00

Title from Jeremiah 18:4

Today I decided that I need to push the reset button on my life. Nothing is going the way I want it to. I have been desperately unhappy for MONTHS. And I cannot afford to waste this much time being this miserable.

I am always looking for approval. I am always seeking something outside myself to make me feel good about being who I am. I am rarely at peace with who I am. I actually barely even *know* who I am. It is a very unsettling, very insecure way to live.

And today I just couldn't take it anymore.

So I decided to throw everything out and start over. I don't know what else to do. Albert Einstein said that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." So today I decided to stop doing the same thing over and over again.

I am not even sure how to do that. But I know that moving forward it feels like if I keep living for others' reactions, I am gonna die, at least emotionally. I suppose arguments could be made that the way I live my life emotionally might have something to do with my physical health.

So I have to start anew and figure out how to live for myself. I have to figure out how to create a self that I like and am happy spending time with. 'Cause here's the thing: I can't escape myself. I have tried. It doesn't work.

And I don't want to die looking back on my life saying, I gave up who I was to get a man to love me and he never did. I don't want to die looking back on my life saying, I gave up who I was to win friends and always walked alone. I don't want to die looking back on my life knowing that I had some gift inside me, but I never figured it out, never shared it, let it go to waste.

So...one of things I think I have to do is I have to figure out how to know who I truly am--who is the girl who doesn't disappear in the face of a boyfriend? Who is the girl who doesn't ditch parts of herself at a conference in a conversations with colleagues in order to fit in, in order to be liked? Who is the girl who remains standing, unique and true, regardless of what happens?

If I could start with finding her, discovering the pieces of her that are permanent, discovering pieces that I am genuinely proud of, pieces that I genuinely like, then maybe I could add additional pieces over time. Pieces that I like and am proud of even when I am all by myself. Not identities I have taken on to be liked, to be approved of. But more pieces that I am not willing to give up, regardless of who is around and what they think.

I don't really know who I am right now, so I guess it will start as a writing project...an exploration...a treasure hunt so to speak.

Oddly, I feel like the way to start...or the only thing I can think of to do right off the bat...is to start with the things I don't like about myself--things that get in my way in my daily life. I have no idea why. Maybe its 'cause right now tonight, I can only think of one thing I know is really me, one thing I like about myself, one thing that never changes regardless of who I am with. But I can think of lots of things I don't like.

I figure in a project this nebulous, anything I write down can't hurt. It probably sounds very self-critical, but I actually think it will help. Maybe it will help the way writing a list always helps--at least it's out of your head and you can think about it more objectively once you have written it down. Here are my eight deadly sins, or here are the pieces of clay that are spoiled in the potter's hand:

I have a really bad reaction to changes in plans. Like if I have plans with a friend and they cancel, I am devastated and it often takes me HOURS to get over this. I am truly upset and for a while, in my head, it sometimes ruins my friendship with whoever cancelled. I am certainly, on every occasion, thrust into despair. That is a ridiculous reaction. I have no idea why I feel that way--why I react that way, but it has to go!
I am a praise junkie. Lots of times, the reason I work hard on something is because I expect someone to praise me for doing it. I clearly have not taken to heart the saying "hard work is its own reward." And there is something about this need for praise that feels...I don't know...it's like it makes the work dirty, soiled. Often I am twisting a situation to ensure that I receive praise. It's like I can't just be proud within myself and have that be enough. Its very externally referented and it feels really awful to be this kind of a person. The bad news is, no one can ever praise me enough.
I am very judgmental of others. I critique silly things about people in my head. I am downright mean in my head...about strangers. Like at the airport, or in a store. This is odd, because in relationships, I am very very compassionate, forgiving, and understanding. So I don't understand this at all. But I do know that as hard as I am on strangers in public with unfortunate outfits say, I am 1000% harder on myself. As needlessly mean as I am to strangers in my head, I am 1000% meaner to myself, all the time, in my head.
I am impatient. Sometimes when I drive, I am impatient. I am impatient with people in stores who are blocking aisles or being slow. I am impatient with people who let their children scream. And I am always in a hurry. It makes me cranky and unpleasant to be around. Let me be clear, it is *I* who find myself unpleasant to be around.
This is gonna sound funny given the last two things I just said, but I am too nice. I don't speak my truth. I let people walk all over me. When someone hurts my feelings, I often take the blame. I am a doormat. In my rush to never loose a connection with someone, I stay silent about treatment I don't like. And in that way, I am often keeping up a false connection. That is, I allow someone to put small cuts in our connection (without me saying anything) for so long, that one day I find the connection severed by all those small cuts and its too late to do anything about it. But if I would have said something on the occasion of the first cut, maybe honesty could have saved the connection.
Shakespeare said, "Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none." I, on the other hand, trust everyone. You see, I generally have very pure motives. I want to help, I want to do good, I want to be loved. And I tend to assume everyone is like me. Thing is, they aren't. There are some people who are just using me. There are some people who are not willing to be honest. There are some people who are so caught up in making sure I perceive them in a certain way that they no longer have the capacity to know themselves or share their true self. And I trust those people. Thing is, those people hurt me. They take advantage of me. And I never learn. I need to take Shakespeare's advice and trust only a few.
I try to read people. I grew up in an abusive household. One of the skills abuse victims learn is radar. They have really sensitive radar. They develop this so that they can read when someone is getting angry or annoyed really really early, so they can try to circumvent the coming abuse. That is, if I notice very very early when you are starting to get angry, I can change my behavior, appease you, distract you, etc., so that maybe you will stop getting angry and I won't get abused. Very helpful when one is a kid, trying to avoid abuse. Not helpful when one is an adult and constantly reading into what people say. I read into things and am just plain wrong, I am living in a state of constant fear and readiness, and I am often wrong. Because when I was a kid, I only had to read the three people who lived in my house. But as an adult, I am often generalizing that skill to everyone I come in contact with. Its exhausting and I often suck at it.
I have a very high need for resolution. I would actually rather have things be resolved badly, but be final and settled, than to wait, in limbo, for a better result. This high need for resolution causes me to push things too hard. It's almost like having things unresolved is anxiety-producing and so I will push something--even when I know that by pushing it, it will most likely end up resolving more negatively than might be necessary.

I am glad to see from this paragraph on a website that I read tonight that it seems like I might still have another chance:

"The apocrypha includes a detailed account of the work of the potter at the wheel (Ecclus. 38:29-32). As the ball of clay spun around rapidly, the centrifugal force upon the clay was controlled by the deft fingers of the potter so that any desired vessel could be obtained as long as the quality of the clay permitted the completion of the vessel. Jeremiah witnessed that factors can be present that defeat the original intention of the potter. The clay may be the wrong kind. It may have too many impurities. The treading may not have been properly done, or the potter may have failed to place the ball of clay in the exact center of the wheel. If the clay does not yield the desired product, the potter can then reshape the clay into a ball and produce another vessel."
(The Zondervan Pictorial Encyclopedia of the Bible, 1978) Taken from this website.

Bad Investments and the Future

2010-08-21T05:42:00.000-07:00

When you have invested foolishly, what do you do?

What do you tell yourself about what you lost in the bad investment?

And how do you keep yourself open and eager for good future investments without continuing to be a foolish investor?

What would Carrie do? One: The Turtle and the Hare

2010-08-21T05:40:00.002-07:00

In this episode, Carrie is finally honest with Big and sure enough, he treats her better. A lesson for us all, but especially me.

What would Carrie do? One: Three's a Crowd

2010-08-21T05:40:00.001-07:00

In this episode (which is about threesomes), Carrie goes behind Big's back to meet his ex-wife. There are just some ways in which Carrie and I are not the same. 'Nough said.

What would Carrie do? One: The Monogamists

2010-08-21T05:39:00.002-07:00

This is an interesting episode. Carrie finds out Mr. Big is still dating other women when she thinks they are in love. She plays it cool when she finds out, until another man asks her to come with him. At that point, she calls Mr. Big at 2 in the morning. They meet and she asks him if would like to be monogamous with her. He doesn't answer, but puts his arm around her. She reacts like he say yes.

Carrie is interesting with Big in season one. She is not being herself and she gets treated very poorly. Maybe that is the lesson. And maybe that is just one more way in which Carrie and I are alike.

What would Carrie do? One: Secret Sex

2010-08-21T05:39:00.001-07:00

Carrie has absolutely no self control in this episode with Mr. Big. I am totally that way. It makes her insecure. I am that way.

One of the things I am noticing though, as I re-watch this series, is that Mr. Big is immature in the beginning. Very guarded in that bullshit man way.

Also, Carrie can't help herself: when she is bothered by something in a relationship, she just has to say something. She seems a little nuts when she does it. But it is, obviously, who she is. I am that way too. Seeing that quality in her made me feel better about having that quality. Men always make me feel really bad about being that way. But obviously, at least three men, two of whom were nice guys, loved her enough to make a life with her. So if Carrie, with her insistence on talking about things that bug her, is lovable, I will be brave enough to believe that I am too.

What would Carrie do? One: The Power of Female Sex

2010-08-21T05:38:00.001-07:00

This episode doesn't work for me. Carrie decides to accept money twice that I would never have accepted. She also is tempted by a lifestyle that I find completely repugnant. I don't like this side of her.

However, she is young in this episode. Thirty-two I think. I did stupid things when I was younger. I still do stupid things.

I guess the upside is, she talks about her problems with her friends, which is a good quality, and one I share.

What would Carrie do? One: Valley of the Twenty-Something Guys

2010-08-21T05:37:00.001-07:00

In this episode, Carrie is a little obsessed with what Big thinks of her. While this is not an emotionally healthy trait, its a trait I share. Her insecurity is not annoying. It appears balanced with the other things in her life. She also continues to help her friends in generous ways. I share that trait as well.

What would Carrie do? One: Bay of Married Pigs

2010-08-21T05:36:00.002-07:00

In this, the third episode of the first season of Sex and the City, I actually genuinely like Carrie. And I think I like her better because she seems more like me. She is very much of a peacemaker and a comforter in this episode. I am that way. How interesting. Perhaps I like things about myself after all.

What would Carrie do? One: Models and Mortals

2010-08-21T05:36:00.001-07:00

Guy: So what do you want to be when you grow up?
Carrie: Well, I think this might be it.

In this episode, Carrie is likable in that she sets up her friend Miranda with another friend. It was kind of her. I often try to arrange social gatherings so friends can get to know one another.

Also, she explores an intellectual question in her column. I am often intrigued with intellectual questions.

In addition, she is still funny and I am funny. Carrie has a funny way of looking at things, making amusing little comments and I do that exact thing.

Finally, Carrie has an amusing reaction to the movies her friend is making. I have the exact same reaction. :)

What would Carrie do? One: Sex and the City

2010-08-21T05:35:00.001-07:00

This is an experiment. I had this idea that I like Carrie Bradshaw (from Sex and the City) and that maybe one way I could find out who I am would be to watch Sex and the City and write posts detailing who Carrie is, why she is likable, and what she is like and seeing if I feel similar to her in any of the million small ways a tv show lets you get to know a character.

In the first few seasons of Sex and the City, Carrie seems much more cynical. I believe--and Michael Patrick King (who writes the series) says as much--that Carrie is acting cynically. That it is a pose.

So, if you buy that and ignore her cynicism in this, the first episode, I find that Carrie is likable in this episode in that she is:

Funny
Like Carrie, I am funny. In almost the exact same way.
Kind to her friends
Like Carrie, I am kind to my friends.
Honest
Like Carrie, I am honest. At the end of this episode, she asks Mr. Big a question. It is a question that is vulnerable and authentic and I do things *just * like that.

In addition, there are a few things that are true about Carrie:

Likes to tell stories
Like Carrie, I like to tell stories. She seems to have a gift for thematizing her life experiences into observations and I do that exact same thing.
Likes to get other people's opinions
In the first part of the first season, there is a lot of first person camera work. This leads the viewer to believe that Carrie is interviewing people for her column. I like to get people's opinions too. I do it to find validation for an opinion I already have, which is a sad and pathetic thing to do. I wonder why Carrie does it. I suspect for the same reason. Over the years, Carrie comes into her own and owns her own opinion. That will be my goal as well.
Loves the gays
Like Carrie, I like nothing better than gossip with Stanford.
Loves to smoke
Like Carrie, I loved to smoke and like Carrie, I quit in my thirties.

"We Must Guard Against"

2010-08-14T15:51:00.000-07:00

Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1961

http://www.h-net.org/~hst306/documents/indust.html

"A vital element in keeping the peace is our military establishment. Our arms must be mighty, ready for instant action, so that no potential aggressor may be tempted to risk his own destruction.

Our military organization today bears little relation to that known by any of my predecessors in peacetime, or indeed by the fighting men of World War II or Korea.

Until the latest of our world conflicts, the United States had no armaments industry. American makers of plowshares could, with time and as required, make swords as well. But now we can no longer risk emergency improvisation of national defense; we have been compelled to create a permanent armaments industry of vast proportions. Added to this, three and a half million men and women are directly engaged in the defense establishment. We annually spend on military security more than the net income of all United States corporations.

This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms industry is new in the American experience. The total influence -- economic, political, even spiritual -- is felt in every city, every State house, every office of the Federal government. We recognize the imperative need for this development. Yet we must not fail to comprehend its grave implications. Our toil, resources and livelihood are all involved; so is the very structure of our society.

In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist."

Change

2010-07-11T17:35:00.000-07:00

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy;
for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves;
we must die to one life before we can enter another.
~ Anatole France

It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory.
~ W. Edwards Deming

Change is life giving. It helps us grow into someone greater than we already are.
~ Unknown

I have been realizing some interesting things today.

Friday, I was very hurt by something someone I am close to did. On Saturday, I found myself so hurt by the words of that person that it was as though the part of me that had been so open to that person--so joined to that person--died a little. And so, since then, I have felt a separateness from that person. This is an extremely foreign experience for me.

All my life, I have longed for connection. Connection is my M.O. And so to feel palpable separateness from someone I have been incredibly close to is very very new to me.

Then very late Saturday, someone else close to me said something so false and so cruel that I literally trembled at the words. I spent the hours following the delivery of those words trying to figure out if the words were true or false. I spoke with a couple of trusted friends. I opened myself up. I explained my fear.

Fortunately these trusted friends were gentle with me, standing up for me when I couldn't stand up for myself. Believing in me when all I could do was shake.

And right now, at this moment, perhaps enough time has passed that, for the first time, I can see those cruel and false words from that friend as separate from who I am.

Just literally a moment ago, I realized that: those words are separate from me.

Just because someone says them about me, doesn't make them true.

Just as someone saying that Barack Obama doesn't love his country doesn't make that a true statement about Barack Obama. I can see the separateness of President Obama very clearly. Its easy for me to see.

But I think today may be the first time I have ever realized that just because someone says something about me, doesn't mean it is true. It doesn't mean that that is who I am.

I am old, I think, to be just now realizing that I am separate from others' opinions of me.

But nevertheless, better late than never.

A line from a pivotal movie in my life is brought to mind:

"Sometimes you can be gone forever and still make it back in time."
- Late For Dinner

The good trailer

2010-07-03T17:53:00.000-07:00

The trailer of Karate Kid (2010) that has the good quotes.

Training montage

2010-07-03T17:44:00.000-07:00

A clip from Karate Kid (2010).

There is only one person you need to learn how to control

2010-07-03T17:42:00.000-07:00

A clip from Karate Kid (2010).

Camaraderie

2010-06-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

Thing to remember is if we're all alone,
then we're all together in that too.
- P.S. I Love You

I don't know when it happened. I know it was still winter. But in Minnesota, there is a time when winter and spring blend together--like twilight blends day and night--and you can't remember when you saw the first bud or when the last snowflake fell.

But I know it was a Saturday. I was driving down a suburban street and noticed what seemed like a never-ending line of runners--likely a high school track or cross country team--on the sidewalk.

They ran to the end of a sidewalk that was maybe a mile long. Their coach stood at the far end. When they reached their coach, they turned around and ran back. And in so doing, most of them passed their teammates on the sidewalk--either coming or going.

As I drove, stopped at the lights, and continued on my running errands, I watched them as they ran. I watched them reach and touch the out-stretched hands of their teammates. In that "good game" handshake tradition way that can be found in all sports. In that passing the batton motion. Every single runner reached out as they ran by.

As I drove, I was passing by a solid mile of camaraderie.

And it reminded me of all the everyday moments where the world is transformed into a single community. How, at the holidays, the cashier at the grocery store says "Merry Christmas" even when she doesn't know you. How, when it is a downpour outside, people in the elevator smile, shake out their umbrellas, and talk of the weather with total strangers.

I watched those kids run in the early morning cold and touch their gloved and mitten-ed finger tips to those of another. And as I watched, the whole world seemed like it was on the same team that day. That none of us could ever be truly alone.

written April 6 2010

The Debris of Spring

2010-06-22T08:24:00.002-07:00

It rained here yesterday.

I grew up in Minnesota. Lived 23 of my first 29 years here. But I didn't start paying attention to the weather, to nature, until I moved to Portland. And in Portland it rains all the time.

The rain in Minnesota is different. First of all, for a good part of the year, there is no rain--just snow.

This year, there was a time, early in March, where it rained heavily for a few days. It was a surprise, that rain. Should have been snow in March. There was still snow on the ground and the rain pounded away at that snow, melting it down into muddy brown grass. Then for the rest of March it was sunny and warm--unseasonably so.

As April began and the forecast called for temperatures in the 70s, people began to talk about how all we needed was one bout of rain for everything to turn green.

Yesterday we got that rain. It was a grey day and it rained hard enough that the ground was covered with the debris of spring--the trees littered the pavement and the grass with the husks of their buds.

I can't describe it, but I knew--when I walked outside to take out the garbage and saw the parking lot carpeted with damp bits from the trees--I knew that winter was over and that spring had come for good. And I stood there, smiling.

In Portland, the temperatures are so moderate that when spring comes, everything turns immediately green. Its instantaneous there, spring.

In Minnesota, spring is hard won, and comes slowly, hitting each tree and shrub on a different day. The green mist of reluctant leaves creeps over the landscape, taking its own sweet time. You have to look for it or you won't see it til the leaves are already out. You have to be a spring detective or you'll miss the miracle--the wonder of a frozen, bare landscape thawing, blooming, opening up to summer.

written April 7 2010

Welcome Home Summer!

2010-06-22T08:24:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, when I walked outside, I breathed in the first whiff of summer.

It was morning, but the air felt warm and heavy...like it does on many a summer morning in Minnesota where the humidity can sometimes feel like a warm washcloth.

I love humidity. It feels up my lungs in a way that no other air does. When its humid out, I can breathe deep and easy.

In the midwest, humidity is the province of summer. And its presence in early April is better than tulips in full bloom as a sign that summer is here to stay.

So I stood there a moment yesterday morning, on the sidewalk, breathing in summer and being grateful that, no matter how bad life gets, it is never winter forever, even in Narnia.

written April 15 2010

Consider the Lilies

2010-06-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

Night has fallen
And I can hear the rain on my window

There are many good things in life
One of them is rain hitting the window

Another is the smell of fresh cut grass
And flowering trees in full bloom
The smell of summer in evening air

The world is full of miracles and wonder
I only have to remember to stop and look around
To notice

Wouldn't it be funny if the secret to being happy ended up being giving up worrying about my self and my future and all my interpretations and worries
and, instead, to trust the universe
a universe that is good enough that it brings me rain against my window
and the fresh pink of the cherry blossom

instead, to seek beauty
and the things in life that make me feel the way smelling fresh cut grass on a sunny day makes me feel

in the end
that, indeed, may be all that there is
it may be all that is left
might as well enjoy all the possible moments

it could be that choosing to enjoy each moment might translate into more moments

either way
seems like a worthy path

Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
Matthew 6:28-29

written April 23 2010

The Rhythm of a Storm

2010-06-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

River Tam: Storm's getting worse.
Captain Malcolm Reynolds: We'll pass through it soon enough.
- Serenity

I spend my days now
in the land of my childhood

I grew up here
And every road I travel is a road I saw almost forty years ago

The road that heads west though Edina, for instance,
I remember in each season

And I have loved to drive it
These last few months
As winter turned to spring
And now, as spring turns to summer

There is this one spot, as the freeway crests a hill
and, for a moment, as I drive
the whole valley is spread out before me

It was barren and stark when snow covered it
And when a green mist came over it, with spring, it was the picture of hope
Now, the trees are lush and the valley is abundance

***

Today dawned sunny, with a sky, clear, and of brightest blue
but by mid-afternoon a haze of high clouds had snuck in from the west
at dinner, the clouds had completely taken over
and a stormy wind blew

it wants to rain

and as I watch the storm roll across the prairie
I begin to remember the rhythm of a midwest gale
and as gusts bend the lush green trees outside my window
a faith is re-awakened in my heart

my soul whispers
"storms pass quickly here"

and my breath comes a little easier

the setting sun streaming through the clouds is a balm to my heart
and the wind in the trees is a lullabye

written May 4 2010

Merci

2010-03-29T12:25:00.000-07:00

The unthankful heart... discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings! ~Henry Ward Beecher

Praise the bridge that carried you over. ~George Colman

If you count all your assets, you always show a profit. ~Robert Quillen

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. ~Thornton Wilder

If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness. It will change your life mightily. ~Gerald Good

Hem your blessings with thankfulness so they don't unravel. ~Author Unknown

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ~Epictetus

Monday March 29 2010

I am very thankful for a bed I like. For so many years, I hated my bed. I love this bed every time I see it and every time I snuggle into it.
I am very thankful to live somewhere where it is sunny more than its not.
I am very thankful for a very supportive father, who is proud of me for the littlest things.
I am very thankful for an apartment that is cleaner now than it was this morning.
I am very thankful for the movie Sex and the City.
I am very thankful I found something I can keep down today.
I am very thankful for the movie The Blind Side.
I am very thankful for the spring breeze that blows through my open window this afternoon.
I am very thankful for Michael Patrick King and his commentary on Sex and the City.
I am very thankful for the television series Parenthood.

There's No Place Like Home

2010-01-14T20:14:00.000-08:00

There’s an old proverb that says you can’t choose your family. You take what the fates hand you. And, like them or not, love them or not, understand them, or not… you cope.
Then there’s the school of thought that says the family you’re born into is simply a starting point. They feed you and clothe you and take care of you, until you’re ready to go out into the world… and find your tribe.
- Grey's Anatomy

I moved home in December.

Ever since February of 2009, I have been becoming more and aware that I left my life here on the prairie when I moved to Oregon 13 years ago.

Moving back has been like walking on the beach and instead of finding seashells, finding pieces of myself...pieces I never knew were lost.

Today, another miracle, in the shape of seashell, happened. I looked around and realized that I had found a specific place here that feels like home. And that I have found a member of my tribe as well.

Its been a long time since I have felt like I was home...and its been maybe decades since someone felt like family.

And it feels good. Its a new feeling, so uncomfortable and foreign. But it feels good. And I feel happy. Its true: There's no place like home. :)

What You See

2010-01-13T20:06:00.001-08:00

"What you see depends mainly on what you look for."

- Sir John Lubbock

I have been thinking today about focus. About paying attention. About what I look at.

And today I noticed that what I look for has a strong and obvious effect on me, on my emotions, on my mood, on how much hope I have.

That started me thinking that its probably better to look at what I have instead of what I don't have, what I am grateful for instead of what I feel disagreeable about, my gifts instead of my flaws.

So, an experiment is in order. What if I sharpened my focus, paid more attention to what I pay attention to, looked more purposefully?

Saturday Lessons: Errands

2010-01-10T07:45:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, I had brunch with a friend out in Eden Prairie.

I have been trying to find two books in stock for a couple of weeks. I found, yesterday, that two stores out in that neck of the woods each had one of the books. Also, there was a store nearby where I needed to return something. Up the street there was a grocery store with a post office that is open on Saturday--I needed both groceries and stamps.

I was fine for the first book store and the place I returned something. But from then on in, I was irritated and found others rude and incompetent.

I am bad at running errands. I put it off.

Yesterday made me think that maybe the lesson is that I can run two errands a day, but that when I try to run more errands than that, things fall apart. I will have to test out my new theory. It would be good to know.

Hope Springs Eternal

2010-01-09T14:06:00.000-08:00

I've been having a problem lately.

By nature or training--I'm not sure which--I am a problem solver. I am good at generating options. I am hard to defeat. I always think there is a solution. I always think there's hope.

But this problem I have been having lately--it has had me stymied, stuck, at my wit's end.

Yesterday, a friend brainstormed a GREAT solution. This problem has been weighing me down for about a solid month. For the first time since I moved, I have some hope that this problem can be worked out.

And hope is contagious. The rest of my life looks more surmountable now. Yay.

Sunsets and big skies

2010-01-04T17:50:00.000-08:00

One thing I have missed so much about living in the Twin Cities is the big-ness of the sky here. In Portland, the city is surrounded on all sides by hills and mountain ranges. This ends up meaning that you can't see the sun set at the horizon because the hills and mountain ranges block the sight of the horizon.

Today I was out running errands as the sun set here in the Twin Cities. I was driving north toward downtown and noticed something for the first time. Here in the Twin Cities, most of the buildings downtown have blue glass. Its a very blue city.

In Portland, this is not true. Lots of glass and building diversity in Portland.

So as I drove toward downtown, I noticed that, at that moment, the sunset made all the blue glass of those downtown Minneapolis buildings glow a bright, bright blue--shiny and deep. It was so lovely, it took my breathe away!

I then wound north of downtown on my journey, I noticed that the sunset was turning all the exhaust pink (on this cold, cold day which made the exhaust stand out in the sky). I love it when the sunset turns everything pink!

And finally, as I neared Roseville, (my home) I noticed the city in my rear view mirror. It was a lovely sight, with it stretching all the way out to the horizon and glowing gold. I feel so lucky to live back in the land of the big sky!

Epiphany

2010-01-04T16:43:00.001-08:00

3 a (1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something
(2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking
(3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure
b : a revealing scene or moment

Every once in a while in my life, I have an epiphany. I am walking through life and one moment I am seeing the world one way and BAM! the next moment, I see the world completely differently.

I never do anything to bring these epiphanies on. They just descend on me. And each epiphany often solves a problem I have been having. These epiphanies are the best argument I can see for some sort of divinity or order in the universe. Each epiphany is a gift to me, without fail. Each one seems like my own little miracle.

Interestingly, my epiphanies usually come to me right around the Feast of the Epiphany (January 6 - "On this day, Western Christians commemorate principally the visitation of the Biblical Magi to the child Jesus, i.e., his manifestation to the Gentiles.") I love that. I am full of wonder at the timing of them.

It happened again last night...actually early this morning. All of a sudden I see a major aspect of my life completely differently. How cool is that?

Epiphanies, in my experience, require work tho. After they occur, if you don't change your life accordingly, they fade--like the memory of a dream after you awake.

So now the real work begins: to live into the epiphany. To become the person last night's realization teaches me I am.

garrison*

2010-01-03T15:13:00.001-08:00

This is hardly a poem. I would never publish it were it not for my friends Jamie and Jacob. Their beloved grandmother just died and they are so lost. I share this rough jumble of words so that they know they are not alone in their heartsick grief.

who was she...this small, slight woman?
hardly noticeable to the world around her
physically, nothing about her would stand out

but her heart...
her heart was large
it was so outstanding
so selfless and pure
that if the world around her could have seen it
could have really seen it
they would have stopped and starred
in awe

and that heart?
it was for me

it was all for me

so then
to me
she is thousands of memories
each one a stitch that ultimately knit an entire sweater
a sweater that was always big enough
a sweater that was green and made my eyes beautiful
a sweater that kept the cold from me
and carried her scent
long after she was gone

she was so many things:
soft arms around me
presents on Christmas morning
cookies warm out of the oven
gum in the middle of a long church service
afternoons spent swimming under the warm Kansas sun

she was singular devotion
I will live my whole life and never know that kind of adoration again

so she might have been a small woman
not even reaching to my shoulder in her final days
and frail to the touch

but her love was enormous
and even now
the delight she took in me fortifies me
and her delicate frame belied the fierce strength of that love
it was
and still is
like undefeatable army
protecting
and defending
her last little girl

and I was always safe in the shelter of her love

january 28 2009
for pauline minnie schneider garrison

* (from the French garnison, itself from the verb garnir, "to equip") is the collective term for a body of troops stationed in a particular location, originally to guard it. Or a regular unit defending a specified zone such as a city, a province, a castle or fortress, or even a single building.

Always Winter, Never Christmas

2010-01-03T13:09:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking of moving to Minnesota since February of 2009. One of my first thoughts as I was weighing the decision to move was always of the bitter cold, arctic tundra, winters.

I grew up in Minnesota. I know the winter. And I never liked it. I always hated it, dreaded it.

But I love spring and summer in Minnesota. And as I decided (in July of 2008) once and for all to move, I knew the Minnesota winter would be awful and I would hate every minute of it. But I decided that winter would just have to be the price I paid for such heavenly springs and summers.

So I moved.

And you know what I have found?

I love winter.

How crazy is that?

Today the high was eight degrees above zero. The low has been below zero every day since the new year. When you walk outside, your nose freezes together. The trees are bare, the snow is dirty at the side of the road, the streets are full of rutted ice, too cold for the plows.

But I don't feel the cold. I don't see the desolation. You know what I see?

I see the magic of a soft snow falling under street lights. I see the winter, on bright sunny day, blowing the snow into a glitter storm outside my window. I see a lake that you swam in all summer transformed into an ice rink you can skate on all winter.

In The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, the White Witch put a curse on Narnia so that it was always winter there, but never Christmas. Well I have to tell you that since I moved, I feel like the land of my childhood has had a spell cast on it where instead, it is always Christmas.

So, as it passes, each day, the winter I dreaded brings me new blessings. And, from this enchanted winter I never knew growing up, I have discovered a secret: As it turns out, no matter how cold it gets, my heart stays warm.

2009

2009-12-31T14:53:00.000-08:00

What a year! Very high highs and very low lows.

First the hard stuff:

My health is not good. But in 2008 I was about 3 days away from dead. I don't think I have been that close this year, so hey: you gotta look on the bright side, huh?
My wish for 2010: good health. You know what they say, its nothing til you don't have it.
A little heartache came to my life this year. But you can't have heartache without having love in the first place and in the end, if you find any love at all, you are the luckiest person in the world.
"You could have been anyone at all/An old friend calling out of blue/I'm so glad it was you."
My wish for 2010: that I win the lottery again and see a bit more love in the coming year.

Now the good stuff:

After ten years, I fell in love. Life is much sweeter now. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. And you know what they say: if you find it once, you are more likely to find it again.
I got to move home! I am loving being back in Minnesota! Despite wanting to move back for MONTHS, I am newly surprised every day at how even more great it is to be home than I ever imagined it would be. Every day brings something heartwarming and comforting that is about this place.
I had a good job all year and during 2009, that is saying something! I am lucky indeed!
I discovered that winter in Minnesota, which I have always hated and dreaded, is actually full of magic and wonder and I am totally enjoying it.
My new apartment has a dishwasher! Better than gold! I have never had one before and WOW is it the best! I am in heaven! Its the little things, lol.
I was freed from wearing heels this year. Hooray! Love it!
My new apartment also has underground heated parking! YUM! It is literally the best thing since and including sliced bread, which I don't think is that cool of a thing. I mean seriously, how hard is it to slice bread? Anyway, underground heated parking takes a lot of the sting out of a Minnesota winter. So I am very lucky indeed. No one I know has underground heated parking. So it is truly a blessing. Lucky, lucky, lucky!

Journey

2009-12-28T16:00:00.000-08:00

To travel over or through.

I have neglected my blogging of late. Since I last posted, I have moved from Portland to Minnesota. WOW! I left Portland Saturday December 5th and it was pretty much a hellish trip.

If you would like to see pictures, please email me at wendemm at gmail dot com. I have had some trouble with an online stalker recently, so my flickr pictures are no longer public, but I would love to send you a pass to this photo album if you email me.

I had made the trip five other times and it was always a fun trip. But this time, I pretty much drove through a blizzard the entire three day trip--beginning in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho (a truly lovely place). The bad weather made the trip tense and dangerous and awful.

Once I arrived, I found my furniture and belongings was to be delayed for a week and a half. This was followed by lots of not knowing where I was going to sleep--sad and discouraging.

What with the hard trip and the delay in the movers arriving, it was a rough start to my new life.

Interestingly, despite all these challenges, I have loved being home. I cannot find words to describe how comforting it is. Next, I am going to attempt a new blog post about it.

Lessons from Grey's Anatomy, Season One

2009-11-22T18:27:00.000-08:00

1-01 (1) "A Hard Day's Night"

In which I learn that taking big risks pays big dividends.

Chief: Each of you comes here today hopeful, wanting in on the game. A month ago, you were in med school being taught by doctors. Today... you are the doctors. The seven years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst of your life. You will be pushed to the breaking point. Look around you. Say hello to your competition. Eight of you will switch to an easier specialty. Five of you will crack under the pressure. Two of you will be asked to leave. This is your starting line. This is your arena. How well you play, that's up to you.

Cristina: Oh, Dr. Shepherd, just one moment. Katie competes in beauty pageants.
Derek: I know that, but we have to save her life anyway.

George: So your by-pass surgery tomorrow with Dr. Burke. I hear he’s good. And after that you can have all the bacon flavored soy product you can eat.
Mr. Savitch: Mmm. Kill me now.
George: I wish I could but … I’m a healer.

1-02 (2) "The First Cut Is the Deepest"
In which I learn that we are all vulnerable. But when we are at our most vulnerable, sometimes even then we can do some good. Also, you have more gifts than you know--trust yourself.

At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines...or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know. If you're willing to take a chance...the view from the other side...is spectacular.

Derek: So we're kissing but we're not dating?
Meredith: I knew that was going to come up.
Derek: Don't get me wrong: I like the kissing. I'm all for the kissing. More kissing, I say.
Meredith: I have no idea what that was about.
Derek: Is it going to happen again? Because if it is I'm gonna need to bring breath mints. (he lowers his voice) Put a condom in my wallet.
Meredith (whispers back): Shut up now.

1-03 (3) "Winning a Battle, Losing the War"
In which I learn that having a heart always results in better things than being a cut-throat competitor.

Meredith (closing voiceover): There's another way to survive this competition, a way no one ever seems to tell you about, when you have to learn through yourself. No. 5, it's not about the race at all, there are no winners or losers. Victories are counted by the number of lives saved.

1-04 (4) "No Man's Land"
In which I learn that endings are hard, being responsible is hard, intimacy is hard. Also, when other's make fun of you, own that part of who you are: be proud.

Meredith (closing voiceover): I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.
Meredith (opening voiceover): Intimacy is a four syllable word for, 'Here is my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger and enjoy.' It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to the three R's... relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can't escape. And other things you just don't want to know.

1-05 (5) "Shake Your Groove Thing"
In which I learn that you should always tell the truth. Any reason you can think of to not tell the truth is wrong. Lies are always more painful in the the end than the truth.

Lawyer: Dr. Grey made a huge error.
Burke: And she reported it.
Lawyer: Too late. And in front of the patient's husband.
Burke: But she reported it. She spoke up. Five years ago, as a CT fellow, I had a nagging feeling that I didn't check the body cavity of a lung patient closely enough before I closed. The patient seemed fine post-op and I was in a hurry. And yesterday, you and Dr. Bailey pulled a towel out from under that patient's lung. Why didn't I report it at the appropriate time? Maybe because I was afraid that I would be called into a meeting where some hospital lawyer's fear of liability could end my career. Even great doctors make mistakes. And when we do, we've got to have a chance to be able to speak up without fear of retribution. Or everyone suffers. Dr. Grey spoke up.

Derek (arrives at Meredith's house and finds her drinking tequila and dancing on her front lawn): You know, in some states you get arrested for that. (she sees him and smiles they walk over toward each other) So you blew me off for a bottle of tequila. Tequila's no good for you. Doesn't call, doesn't write. It's not nearly as much fun to wake up to.

1-06 (6) "If Tomorrow Never Comes"
In which I learn not to put off things.

Meredith (opening voiceover): A couple hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. "Never leave that till tomorrow," he said, "which you can do today." This is the man who discovered electricity. You'd think more of us would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of rejection. Sometimes, the fear is just of making a decision. Because, what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? Meredith (closing voiceover): He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still, sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering. That waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.
Izzie (regarding Meredith): Life is short, George. Do you really want to die before you ever ask her out?
George: I do not want to ask her out.
Izzie: Do you really want to die a liar?
George: I'm not a... I'm not dying!

1-07 (7) "The Self-Destruct Button"
In which I learn that even the best thing has a down side.

Burke: Hey. Whoa. Got the flu?
Cristina: Yeah, and thanks for it. It's making my life so much easier.
Burke: I didn't give it to you. It's all over the hospital. You should be in bed.
Cristina: Disease, diagnosis and prescription from one man.
Burke: Seriously, I'll give you a ride home.
Cristina: This is not gonna make me go home. You go home.

1-08 (8) "Save Me"
In which I learn having faith is very important.

Meredith (opening voiceover): You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be. White dress, Prince Charming, who'd carry you away to a castle on a hill... You'd lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming - they were so close you could taste them. But eventually, you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely. 'Cause almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they'll open their eyes and it will all come true. [edit]
Meredith (closing voiceover): At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than your dream. The castle, well it may not be a castle. And it's not so important that it's happily ever after – just that it's happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while, people may even take your breath away. [edit]

1-09 (9) "Who's Zoomin' Who?"
In which I learn

# Meredith? He's an attending. You're an intern.
Meredith: You saw us? You can see.
Chief: I'm gonna tell you what your mother would say if she were here. You're making a mistake, a big one.
Meredith: And I would tell my mother it's not a mistake. [edit]
# (Cristina and Izzie are performing the autopsy when Bailey enters)
Bailey: Don't even tell me you're doing what I think you're doing!
Cristina: Um...
Bailey: Not only did you disregard the family's wishes, you broke the law! You could be arrested for assault! Do you like jail? The hospital could be sued! I could lose my license, my job! I like my job! Did you think about any of this before you started cutting open a poor man's body? I could seriously kick both of your asses right now. Do you have anything to say?
Izzie (picks up Mr. Franklin's heart): Look at his heart.
Bailey: It's huge!
Izzie: It's over 600 grams, and there's some kind of grainy material in it.
Cristina: We want to run some tests.
Bailey: Oh, now you want to run tests?
Cristina: At this point, what could it hurt?
Bailey: I hate both of you right now. [edit]
# Bailey: Page Stevens and Yang. Tell them I want them covering your patients. I need you to stay and monitor the chief.
Meredith: Cristina and Izzie, um...I think they're already swamped.
Bailey: With what?
Meredith: Labs. They had to check on some labs.
Bailey: Oh, you are lying. I know you're lying. You know how I know? Cause you're a bad liar! I hate a bad liar. [edit]
# Meredith (opening voiceover): Secrets can't hide in science. Medicine has a way of exposing lies. Within the walls of the hospital, the truth is stripped bare. How we keep our secrets outside the hospital – well, that's a little different. One thing is certain, whatever it is we're trying to hide; we're never ready for that moment when the truth gets naked. That's the problem with secrets – like misery, they love company. They pile up and up until they take over everything, until you don't have room for anything else, until you're so full of secrets you feel like you're going to burst. [edit]
# Burke: Why are you in this line?
Cristina: It's the syphilis line.
Burke: You don't need to be in this line.
Cristina: I don't?
Burke: There's no one else. That surprises you?
Cristina: Nothing surprises me.
Burke: Do I need to be in this line?
Cristina: No.
Burke: Okay, then.
Cristina: Okay. [edit]
# Derek: Long day.
Meredith: Yeah.
Derek: Somewhere out there is a steak with your name on it and maybe a bottle of wine.
Meredith: This is why I keep you around.
Derek: So, we need to talk.
Meredith: Wine first, talk later.
Derek: You trying to, uh, get me drunk so you can take advantage of me?
Meredith: (laughing): I think I like this rules thing.
Derek: Me too. (Derek helps her fix her coat and they turn to leave. A stunning red headed woman is standing there and Derek is wide eyed) Meredith, I am so sorry. Addison... What're you doing here?
Addison: Well, you'd know if you'd bothered to return any one of my phone calls. (to Meredith) Hi. I'm Addison Shepherd. (they shake hands)
Meredith: Shepherd?
Addison: And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband. [edit]
# Webber: Just what I need, a syphilis outbreak and a tumor.
Derek: They're probably unrelated. [edit]
# Derek: How goes our special super secret silent sunset surgery? I've been practicing that.
Bailey: You have too much time on your hands. [edit]
# Cristina: Hey, Syph-boy!
George: You told her?
Izzie: Just Cristina.
Alex: Syph-boy - it's got a nice ring to it. Kinda like Superboy, only diseased.
Cristina: Izzie didn't have to say a word. Around here, the only thing that spreads faster than disease is gossip.
George: That's not true. Just cause Izzie can't keep her mouth shut doesn't mean everyone knows.
Meredith (walks in): Hey, George. How are you feeling? Sorry about the syphilis.
George: Everyone in this hospital knows?
Alex: Knows you're a player.
George: You're disturbed.
Alex: True. Everybody's got a secret. Just be glad yours is out in the open.
Cristina: Oh, yeah, Alex? What's yours?
Alex: You show me yours, and I'll show you mine. (Cristina looks at Burke as he walks by) I bet you've got some seriously kinky skeletons in your closet.
Cristina: What's in my closet is none of your business.
Izzie: Well, I don't have any secrets. My life is boring.
Meredith: Everybody's got something to hide. (they all stare at her) [edit]
# Meredith: So just for the record...
Derek: Mm-hmm.
Meredith: ...you'd tell me if I need to get tested, right?
Derek: You think I have syphilis?
Meredith: No, I don't. It's just we never made any rules or anything. We never said "we have rules" and I wouldn't hold it against you.
Derek: When would I have time to go out and get syphilis? You're a handful enough as it is. And besides, we're like, practically a condom ad.
Meredith: But no more glow-in-the-dark ones.
Derek: You see? There's nothing to worry about. Maybe we should, you know, make some rules, I mean.
Meredith: We should.
Derek: Okay.
Meredith: Okay.
Derek: Just for the record…I like the glow-in-the-dark ones.
Meredith (laughs): I bet you do. [edit]
# Izzie: You have syphilis?
George: Shh! (George closes all the blinds and the door) I don't know how this happened.
Izzie: Of course you do. God, Olivia must really be getting around.
George: Olivia, she's not like that.
Izzie: It's the new millennium, George. The only people who aren't like that are the Amish. And apparently you.
George: You don't know. Maybe I've been sleeping around. Maybe I got ladies. (Izzie smirks) Shut up! What am I gonna do?
Izzie: It's no biggie, couple doses of penicillin will knock it right out.
George: What am I gonna do about Olivia?
Izzie: Well, for starters, stop sleeping with her. Unless, you want that thing to fall off. (laughs)
George: Okay, that is twice that you trash talked the girl I could one day potentially-... well not love but like a whole lot.
Izzie: She gave it to you, you have to tell her.
George: Three.
Izzie: Fine! She didn't give it to you. She was a virgin when you met. You still have to tell her so she can get tested.
George: Oh, yeah? How am I gonna tell her? "Hey Olivia, how ya doing? Oh, by the way I got the syph, how about you?"
Izzie: Well, maybe not quite like that.
George: No, no! It's good advice, really good advice, thank you very much. [edit]
# (After he comes out of the bathroom)
Izzie: There's no reason to be ashamed. It's normal, healthy even.
George: I am not ashamed. 'Cause I wasn't doing anything. I don't have to. I have a girlfriend.
Izzie: An imaginary girlfriend?
George: An actual girlfriend.
Izzie: You know what? It's no big deal, you don't have to lie. I get it. You have needs. (Meredith opens the door Izzie was leaning against)
Meredith: What is going on out here?
Izzie & George: Nothing. (George walks away)
Izzie (to Meredith): He's freaked out because I caught him playing with little Jimmy and the twins.
George (turns around): I have a girlfriend. (walks away)
Izzie: Okay. (laughs)
Derek (appearing from Meredith's bedroom): It sounds like fun out here. [edit]
# (George is in the bathroom, locked in and Izzie wants to take a shower)
Izzie (knocking on the door): George. You locked the door I need to take a shower.
George: Uh... uh, I'll be out in a minute.
Izzie: What are you doing in there?
George: It's private!
Izzie: Oh! Oh, god, I'm sorry. I get it. (smirks) I didn't mean to interrupt.
George: No, it's not that.
Izzie: It's okay. Take your time.
George: I am not doing what you think I'm doing.
Izzie (laughs softly): You know what, there's really no need to explain. I'll wait, you just... finish.
George: No... I'm-I'm coming. I'm coming out! (Izzie laughs) [edit]
# George: God, an ovary.
Alex: Kinda gives new meaning to the term metrosexual. [edit]
# Patricia (holding a "protected" banana): With every fresh banana, always use a fresh condom. [edit]
# Meredith (closing voiceover): The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free. Whether good or bad, at least they're out in the open, like it or not. And once your secrets are out in the open, you don't have to hide behind them anymore. The problem with secrets is even when you think you're in control... you're not. [edit]
# George: Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Alex: It's a shot of penicillin George. Be grateful I'm even doing this. I've already seen more of you than I ever wanted to. I'll be fighting nightmares for a week.
George: Okay. You know what? Forget this.
Alex: Do you want to get rid of the syph or not? Then shut up and drop 'em.
George (whispers) I cannot believe this. (Meredith pulls back curtain) Meredith! Go away!
Meredith: Oh George. I thought you could use some moral support.
George: No. No moral support. I'm indisposed here!
Meredith: George. It's not a big deal. And you have a cute butt.
Alex: I have a cute butt too. Wanna see?
Meredith: Oh get out, you're doing it wrong.
Alex (hands her the syringe): Be my guest.
George: Wha- Alex. Alex! Wha-? (Alex leaves) Hey!
Izzie (pulls back curtain): Oh. What are we doing here?
George: Breaking George's spirit.
Meredith: Curing George's syph.
George: I don't like needles.
Meredith: Good thing you became a doctor. Other side.
Cristina: Izzie?
Izzie: Yeah.
Cristina: Mr. Franklin's procedure's been scheduled for after lunch--(pulls back curtain)
George: No. No!
Cristina: Oh what are we doing?
Izzie: We are saving George from a future of festering sores and insanity.
Cristina: Oh, Cute butt.
Meredith: Told ya!
Izzie: It is cute... like a baby's.
George: You know, I have spent hours, days,... years imagining myself half naked in a room with three women. The reality is so much better.
Cristina: I think he's gonna cry! [edit]
# (at the hospital's safe sex demonstration)
Patricia (demonstrator): When the time is right, and, gentlemen, you'll all know when that time is, carefully open the condom packet and roll it onto the banana. [edit]
# Meredith: You guys want to perform an unauthorized autopsy?
Izzie: I know you, Cristina. You do not want to be known as the new 007. An autopsy clears your name.
Meredith: Cristina, no.
Izzie: What about Franklin's wife? You saw the way she was looking at me. She wants the autopsy. She just didn't want to fight with her daughter. She looked so sad. Okay, Cristina Yang, license to kill.
Cristina: Okay, I'm in.
Meredith: I am so not involved in this.
Cristina: Meredith, this is Fight Club. Nobody talks about it.
Meredith: Fine.
Cristina: We have to do it when Bailey's not around.
Izzie: Bailey's always around. She's everywhere and knows everything.
Cristina: Well, we have to take our chances.
Meredith: Bailey's got something tonight from 7 to 11. You two will be the last thing she's worried about.
Cristina: How do you know that?
Izzie: What kind of something?
Meredith: Oh, I can't tell you that. It's Fight Club, too. (leaves)
Cristina: If I am missing out on a real patient because of this. They are going to call me 007 because I killed you. [edit]

Little Miss Can't Be Wrong

2009-11-16T14:32:00.000-08:00

I was raised to believe that there's a right and a wrong thing to do. Being raised like that, I applied that principle to every second of every day, always HYPER concerned with whether I was making the right choices in each moment. Fearful of making the wrong choice. Wanted to be Little Miss Can't Be Wrong as I feared making the wrong choice so much.

Today I thought, maybe if I just do things out of love, I could relax & not be so worried about the "right" thing. WHAT DO YOU THINK? Is there a right & a wrong thing to do in every decision or every moment, or is the motivation of love the better way to go for each moment, each decision?

DISCUSS.

Thank you.

The Legend of the Tragedy and the Blessing

2009-11-11T19:04:00.001-08:00

There once was an old Chinese farmer. One day the old farmer's only horse broke out of the corral and ran away. The farmer's neighbors, all hearing of the horse running away, came to the farmer's house to view the corral. As they stood there, the neighbors all said, "Oh what a tragedy!" The old Chinese farmer replied, "How do I know that its a tragedy?"

About a week later the horse returned, bringing with it a whole herd of wild horses, which the old farmer and his son quickly corralled. The neighbors, hearing of the corralling of the horses, came to see for themselves. As they stood there looking at the corral filled with horses, the neighbors said, "Oh what a blessing!" The farmer replied, "How do I know that its a blessing?"

A couple of weeks later, the old farmer's son's leg was badly broken when he was thrown from a horse he was trying to break. A few days later the broken leg became infected and the son became delirious with fever. The neighbors, all hearing of the incident, came to see the son. As they stood there, the neighbors said, "Oh what a tragedy!" The farmer replied, "How do I know that its a tragedy?"

At that same time in China, there was a war going on between two rival warlords. The warlord of the old farmer's village was involved in this war. In need of more soldiers, he sent one of his captains to the village to conscript all the young men of the village to fight in the war. When the captain came to take the farmer's son he found a young man with a broken leg who was delirious with fever. Knowing there was no way the son could fight, the captain left him there. The neighbors, hearing of the son's not being taken to fight in the war, said, "Oh what a blessing!" The farmer replied, "How do I know that its a blessing?"

And so it goes...

The Last 30 Days of Portland

2009-11-03T20:30:00.000-08:00

I have wanted to move to Minnesota since July. Its been a long wait to December 5th (when I drive away). And I haven't been the happiest Portlander while I have been waiting. But today, as it draws close to being only 30 days til I move, I had a brainstorm that I should spend my final 30 days in Portland loving one thing about Portland every day. There are so many things I had never experienced when I arrived here thirteen years ago. So here is the beginning of my list of my favorite places in Portland that I will visit during my final 30 days in Portland.

November The Cramer Hall parking garage-home to the baby car for 11 years.
November Portland State University-my all time favorite school and 13 years ago, it was just a place my mom taught.
November Portland International Airport-there are a lot of cool airports, but Portland is in my top 5.
November The Ione Plaza (now The Vue)-the place I have lived for 8 years: the longest I have ever lived anywhere in my life.
November The streetcar-the only form of public transit I can stand. So charming, so convenient.
November Cooper's-home of the best sandwich in Portland.
November Montgomery dorm-where I lived as an undergrad and in my first year of grad school. I had a great view of the west hills. They would turn a lovely shade of rose as the sun hit them each morning.
November Red Robin-home of the best salad in Portland.
November J.Jill at Tanasborne, Bridgeport, or Pioneer Place-home of most of my wardrobe.
November The black leather chair at Melissa's-the location of the best times in Portland.
November November Highway 5 heading north from Lake Oswego, driving into Portland when the mountain is out-what a view!
November Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing-movie nirvana.
November The Bridgeport DSW-cheapest designer shoes in the city.
November Dale's office-home of the the miracle therapist.
November Dosha-home of the best waxer ever, and dispenser of highlights that make me so happy.

Places I won't get a chance to go, but love:

Chinese Gardens
Barefoot Sage
The ocean
Multnomah Falls
The restaurant up at Timberline
My mom's house in Alameda
My room in Montgomery
Laughing Planet
Aztec Willies-some of the best mexican food in town, funky atmosphere, liquor, and free wifi.
Powells Books-book nirvana
Zupan's-best shopping in town
The Washington Square Nordstroms-the only decent mall in the city and the best shoes in the city

What about you? What are YOUR favorite Portland places? Help me jog my memory.

A Time Change Lullaby

2009-11-01T18:34:00.000-08:00

Night fell early today

and I sit now in the apartment, candles my only light

The scarf around my neck still smells like woodstove smoke from the farmer's market

At an embarrassing hour I crawl into bed and snuggle into my pillow, surprisingly tired despite the extra hour of sleep

As I close my eyes, the scent of cinnamon and pine tealights makes me remember cocoa and falling snow and naked tree branches, stark against the winter sky

And I draw the dark around me like a warm blanket, dreaming of Christmases to come

November 1 2009
For Stedman

Gratitude Journal November 2009

2009-11-01T16:42:00.000-08:00

I have been keeping a gratitude journal since December 2008--almost a full year. But this month, I have decided to go public with it. That will mean I won't mention everything I am grateful for every day--I will spare you the private stuff. But I find my gratitude journal is a huge factor in increasing my happiness.

Today I am grateful:
- For lunch with Vicki and Carol and reminiscing about Holy Thursday. They have been such good friends. I will miss them when I move to Minnesota.
- For Vicodin (I have had some pretty intense back pain for the past four days.)
- For the movie The Proposal. Such a sweet movie. Reminds you how hard love can be, but how worth it it is.
- That Grey's Anatomy gives me new music and such good music.
- That somehow, on Wednesday, everything changed and I am able to hold everything more loosely. Its like serenity has finally sunk in. And it has made all the difference. I don't really know how to explain what I mean. But all of sudden, I have a sense of detachment. For my personality type, this detachment seems to be key to my happiness...especially when things aren't going my way. So, here I sit, with lots of things going wrong in my life, but I still have a quiet and peaceful sense that everything will be ok. I have hope for the future. Thanks to the mysterious detachment that descended into my heart from on high Wednesday, I am much happier these days. And I am deeply grateful.
Today I am grateful:
- That I took all the bags over to Whitney.
- That I got all the index cards made.
- That class was fun.
- For the movie October Sky.
- That a great sweater came in the mail.
Today I am grateful:
- That I got to see Dale today. That boy is a miracle worker.
- That Serenity exists, as a movie. That Firefly exists, as a television show.
- For a good doctor's appointment and new medicine.
- For a good fortune in my fortune cookie.
- For Facebook and being able to be in touch with people so much easier than before.
Today I am grateful:
- For clean clothes (I did the laundry!).
- Again, due to pretty extreme pain, for Oxycodone.
- That I didn't feel down today...happiness seems to be growing.
- That I went through boxes...so productive! Gold star!
- For Netflix Watch Instantly and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit episode I haven't seen before!
Today I am grateful:
- For a life where good friends have become family.
- Old traditions revisited.
- For the white noise machine that makes sleeping so much easier.
- Flat pillows.
- For the fact that when I am ready to make a new plan and change my life, that so many resources exist that make my work so much easier.
Today I am grateful:
- For warmer than usual weather, which is always a treat--year round.
- That memories, long buried, can re-surface, and bring with them such happiness.
- For sleeping when I feel tired.
- The new khaki sweater, which I heart.
- That I think my back is improving.
Today I am grateful:
- That life after I move is beginning to come into focus.
- For all the lists I have made today.
- For the new book I bought.
- For the internet.
- The sleeping without taking sleep drugs plan--crossing my fingers.
Today I am grateful:
- For good friends I can really talk with--one of life's best gifts.
- For Good Earth tea.
- Again, for pain medicine.
- For fine gauge sweaters.
- For long hair.
Today I am grateful:
- For the movie While You Were Sleeping.
- For how movies take regular songs and make them something special by connecting them with GREAT moments in movies.
- For waterproof mascara.
- For traffic cams that let me see the Twin Cities when I am not there.
- For precious sunshine
Today I am grateful:
- For the priviledge of working with Nate Angell for the past 4 years--he is so talented and rare in his intelligence, humor, and creativity.
- For Apple products.
- For the "grab" utility on my Mac.
- For the movie The Natural.
- For bagel sandwiches.
Today I am grateful:
- For friends and for 22 days of something to do on the social calendar.
- For deadlines.
- For pain drugs.
- For getting the apartment!
- For the great feeling I get when I am productive at work.
Today I am grateful:
- For being able to see Dale.
- For being able to go to the office.
Today I am grateful:
- For getting the grading done.
- For making progress on the move.
Today I am grateful:
- A nice call from my friend Melissa, who I will miss
- For making more progress on the move.
Today I am grateful:
- For a pedicure.
Today I am grateful:
- For my friend Celine!
Today I am grateful:
- That I have been lucky to meet and be influenced by people like Seanna and Amy.
Today I am grateful:
- That I have SUCH a great therapist!
Today I am grateful:
- Being able to reconnect with an old friend from grad school--gotta love Facebook!
Today I am grateful:
- For my good friend Melissa!
Today I am grateful:
- For my good friend Elizabeth!
Today I am grateful:
- That I have friends I can call when things get bad.
Today I am grateful:
- For being able to be angry and not lose a friend over it.
Today I am grateful:
- For a borrowed car.
Today I am grateful:
- That there is no class due to the holiday.
Today I am grateful:
- For the chance to be a better person.
- For having a mom who is a teacher.
- For my dad and brother calling. They normally suck at that.
Today I am grateful:
- For my friend Melissa and 11 years of shopping trips.
Today I am grateful:
- For the story Sue told about Corey. I'm glad to have done a good thing.
Today I am grateful:
- For having gotten 11 hours of sleep.
Today I am grateful:
- For new shoes.

I Will Never Forget November 2009

2009-11-01T16:39:00.000-08:00

On Twitter, many folks use hashtags in their updates. This summer, I saw one I was curious about. Reading the real-time results for the hashtag #iwillneverforget, I was inspired to track something I will never forget each day.

This isn't exactly new for me. Already, every day, I update a blog post I create for each month (for instance "September 2009 Gratefuls") with the list of things I am grateful for each day. So I love a "daily addition to a blog post" ritual. This (#iwillneverforget) seemed like a particularly fun one to do. This is my third month of doing this daily posting. I did it in August 2009, September 2009, and October 2009 as well. Look for a new addition to the list each day.

I will never forget working in the orange chairs at the Cramer Hall office with Melissa.
I will never forget when my dog Cinders had puppies on New Year's Eve. Best New Year's Eve of my life.
I will never forget Aztec Willies.
I will never forget after work Target trips with Melissa.
I will never forget the Sakai conference in Baltimore.
I will never forget Powells Books.
I will never forget shopping at J.Jill with Melissa.
I will never forget walking around Round Lake with Carol Truax.
I will never forget the Sakai conference in Austin.
I will never forget shopping at The Loft with Melissa.
I will never forget the way you can smell the ocean before you can see it.
I will never forget my college friend Jim Bower.
I will never forget eating dinner at The Olive Garden with Melissa.
I will never forget the Sakai conference in Vancouver.
I will never forget my college dorm at Portland State.
I will never forget eating dinner at Chevy's with Melissa.
I will never forget when Sydney and Quincy were baby puppies.
I will never forget the Sakai conference in Amsterdam.
I will never forget movies in the theater with Melissa.
I will never forget wearing wool sweaters on the first day of school back in highschool even though it was hot out...just because they were in fashion and brand new.
I will never forget discovering The X Files.
I will never forget reading books--Harry Potter, Laurel K. Hamilton, and Twilight--with Melissa.
I will never forget Benson & Hedges Deluxe Ultra Light Menthol 100s.
I will never forget the first time I saw The Sound of Music.
I will never forget on campus trips with Melissa.
I will never forget Mores.
I will never forget learning about poker: such a lyrical game: flop, turn, river? Whoever invented poker had the soul of poet.
I will never forget making jewelry with Melissa.
I will never forget that moment one winter when it was 33 degrees and the snow was melting and I couldn't believe that one degree made such a difference.
I will never forget seeing Minnesota for the first time in 9 years.

Grey's Anatomy Voiceovers

2009-10-14T03:50:00.000-07:00

At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out; they fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know, If you're willing to take a chance, the view from the other side is spectacular. - The First Cut is the Deepest

There's another way to survive this competition. A way no one ever seems to tell you about. One you have to learn for yourself. Number five: It's not about the race at all. There are no winners or losers. Victories are counted by the number of lives saved. And once in a while, if you're smart, the life you save could be your own. - Winning a Battle, Losing the War

Intimacy is a four syllable word for "Here is my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to the three R's... relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can't escape. And other things you just don't want to know. - No Man's Land

Responsibility, it really does suck. Unfortunately, once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn't go away. It can't be avoided. Either someone makes us face it or we suffer the consequences. And still adulthood has it perks. I mean the shoes, the sex, the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. That's, pretty damn good. - Shake Your Groove Thing

The early bird catches the worm; a stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to ‘seize the day'. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves like Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying. - If Tomorrow Never Comes

You know when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be – white dress, prince charming who’d carry you away to a castle on a hill. You’d lie in your bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, prince charming –they were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up and one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope and faith that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true. - Save Me

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say because there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves. - Something to Talk About

I Will Never Forget October 2009

2009-10-09T14:01:00.000-07:00

On Twitter, many folks use hashtags in their updates. This summer, I saw one I was curious about. Reading the real-time results for the hashtag #iwillneverforget, I was inspired to track something I will never forget each day.

This isn't exactly new for me. Already, every day, I update a blog post I create for each month (for instance "September 2009 Gratefuls") with the list of things I am grateful for each day. So I love a "daily addition to a blog post" ritual. This (#iwillneverforget) seemed like a particularly fun one to do. This is my third month of doing this daily posting. I did it in August 2009 and September 2009 as well. Look for a new addition to the list each day.

I will never forget my boss at OHSU taking me with him on so many lunches. I was new to Portland and he subtlely gave me a tour. It was so nice of him. He didn't have to do it.
I will never forget that same boss making the joke about medication and side effects. Laugh out loud funny.
I will never forget those lines from Walk The Line: ("What's with the all black? You look like you're going to a funeral. Well maybe I am." and "How'd you come up with that sound, steady like a train, sharp like a razor?")
I will never forget when a beloved teacher told me I had defined a new genre!
I will never forget when I had an apartment where I could watch the sunrise behind Mt. Hood.
I will never forget the couple of times in my life when I have reconnected with an ex and spent hours with emails flying back and forth, flirting, getting reacquainted. Such fun. I can only remember two such occasions, but I have to believe they are the reason email was invented. Reminds me of the line from Dead Poet's Society: "Why do men write poetry? To woo women!"
I will never forget that fall and summer each have their own scent that breezes by when you least expect it: a portent of the new season, always a surprise. I will never forget the times I have smelled the scent of summer in the Portland night air. In Minnesota and Kansas, you get that kind of thing all the time, all season long. But in Portland, you can detect it maybe one night a season, if you are lucky.
I will never forget how in love I was with the color I painted my apartment. Sheer bliss.
I will never forget that moment the first time I watched West Wing when I knew I was love just two minutes in.
I will never forget eating pork chops with Scott at Nikkis, smoking, in the middle of winter.
I will never forget the first time I got a book in the mail from Amazon.
I will never forget what Scott asked me when we met for dinner in Eagan. I was wearing a khaki skirt. His question took my breath away.
I will never forget the sound of the ocean on the beach by Newport as it washed up onto, not sand but small, polished black stones. The water washing over those stones, knocking them together, made the beach sing.
I will never forget Alec Baldwin's "God Complex" speech in the movie Malice.
I will never forget that night in the fall of 1986 when Jeanine was my friend again.
My 40th birthday party.
I will never forget morning glories covering the fence.
Getting the amazing Winnie the Pooh bookends for my birthday and what I said right before I opened them.
My 3oth birthday party.Flying to Amsterdam with Nate.
Flying home from Amsterdam without Nate--unlimited movies! Woo hoo! All flights should be like that!
That day I walked into the theater wearing black for the first time in my life, talking to Jeanine.
My 17th birthday party.
That Grey's Anatomy episode about saying it.
Seeing the first Harry Potter movie in the theater.
Reading the Twilight series for the first time.
Riding in Allison's car in highshool, listening to John Cougar Mellencamp.
Chris Coppola singing "Blister in the Sun" in Austin.
The ice storm in Portland when we lived there in the 1970s.
The insight on the plane to Salt Lake City and the jewelry bought in order to remember it.
Walking downtown in my black skirt with the purple flowers in the summertime.
My Snowpocalypse adventures with Melissa.

Spend Out *

2009-09-27T01:21:00.001-07:00

She was just a little girl when they taught her to live even:
Don't laugh so loud.
Save the candy for later.
Sit down and dry off: you've been swimming too long.
Don't rock the boat.

Her green eyes were wide with trying to take in all the lessons.
She would nod solemnly
and try to keep track of it all.
She had little notebooks and Holly Hobbie pens.

And they are all still there: all those notes, in her head,
that she copied down painstakingly
all those years ago.

Decades have gone by since then.
And now she sits alone in her apartment,
examining all the warning labels they gave her.

And its very very quiet as she realizes that, not only do all those rules she memorized
violate all known common wisdom,
but they don't even make sense!

Saving the cherries for later only ensures they will spoil before you eat them all.
Not swimming for too long only ensures that summer will be gone before you get your fill.
Not using the good pillowcases because you don't want to ruin them only ensures that you will completely change the color scheme of your bedroom and never get to lay your head down on all that magic.

And she sits up a little straighter as she realizes that she is, and always has been, a "spend out" kind of a girl:
She jumps into the deep end.
She takes every opportunity to laugh.
She wrings the last, overlooked bit of happiness out of each moment.

She goes all in.
She lets the tears fall when she's sad.
She rests when she's sick.
She says I love you as if she'll die tomorrow.

She savors every sunset.
She takes that extra moment in the morning to stretch under the covers, relishing precious sleep.
She literally stops and smells the roses.

That little girl, from all those years ago...she already knew all the things that people write self help books about.
And from now on, that little girl, who did all those things naturally...
She is in charge.
They tried to teach her to spend wisely.
But in almost every case, in order to spend wisely, you have to spend out.

* I got the title and the theme of this poem from my favorite blogger and author, Gretchen Rubin. "Spend out" is one of Gretchen's 12 Personal Commandments. In my opinion, pretty much everything Gretchen writes is wise and worth implementing in your life. However, when I read her position on "spending out", I wasn't all that moved. Not that it wasn't good advice. Its great advice! Its just that I know I am a "spend out" girl at heart already. I read her advice on spending out and thought "I already do that." It wasn't until I woke up in the middle of the night just now that I realized that I don't need to remind myself to spend out--its already in my nature. But I do need Gretchen's reminder as a sort of talisman (anything whose presence exercises a remarkable or powerful influence on human feelings or actions) against my upbringing, against, as Martha Beck would say "everybody". So thank you, once again, Gretchen. Your wisdom blazes a self-improvement trail for me over and over again. And I am so grateful.

I Heart Bill Clinton

2009-09-21T19:05:00.000-07:00

Jon Stewart interviewed Bill Clinton on The Daily Show last week!

You can see part one of the extended interview where he discusses his work for the past five years with the Clinton Global Initiative.

You can also see part two of the extended interview where he discusses rescuing the two girls from North Korea. He references a James Bond movie and Jon Stewart calls him Batman. :) Also in this section he discusses his recent lunch with Barack Obama and is quite amusing.

Finally you can see part three of the extended interview where they discuss Barack Obama passing health care. My favorite quote from this part: "The important thing: we gotta keep stumbling in the right direction."

Bill Clinton is so amazing. Its a privilege to listen to him speak.

Why I Am Leaving Facebook...At Least for A While

2009-09-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

Let's just get this out of the way. Facebook has fine qualities. I like, for example, that it helps me keep in touch with people I live far away from. I'm just saying.

However, Facebook is affecting my life pretty negatively:

For 19 months I was a pretty extreme workaholic. Checking Facebook way too often helped keep me sane during those months. But now that I don't have to be a workaholic anymore, I am still obsessively checking Facebook. This is keeping me from having a real life. And it must stop.
People say things about politics on Facebook that make me sad.
Back story: I have gotten in touch with old friends on Facebook. This is a good thing. Makes me happy. But since I spent the first 29 years of my life as a very conservative christian and am now an atheist, you can imagine that my politics have changed. (Ok, mine didn't, but the politics of the people I hung out with sure did.) I love love love being in touch with my old friends! But when they comment, out of their own belief in the Bible, which they have a right to, on my post celebrating Iowa legalizing same sex marriage, it makes me want to cry. I am not kidding. And I don't want that stuff on my wall. But I don't want to unfriend them--I love having them back in my life!!! So then I have a dilemma because I am very political person, so I want to be able to post stuff about politics. But I *hate* arguing. Seriously. I hate it. Makes me cry. So then, Facebook makes me cry a lot.
Interacting with someone's post hooks me into way more information than I want. When I like something someone posted, I then get emailed every time someone comments on it. When I was a workaholic, that was an amusing distraction from my very hard job. But now, its just WAY too much information.

In short, Facebook makes me more sad than happy. And life is way too short for that. So, although in the past, I have been someone who posts to Facebook like every hour and someone who reads the news feed religiously, I have to quit.

I am not sure what that will look like. How often I will come back, etc. But if you miss me, that's where I am.

Also, one of the things I love about Facebook is that it enables me to share cool things I find, like this. I will be using Clipmarks for that, if you want to keep up with my cool finds. Or you could email me at wendemm@gmail.com. It may be that I end up having a list of people I email things too--people who are interested and like the information I posted.

At heart, I am a connecter, so I am sure I won't close down my Facebook account. But I am for sure going on a Facebook Fast. Just wanted to explain why.

Sea Change: A radical, and apparently mystical, change

2009-09-10T17:04:00.000-07:00

Ever since I got out of the hospital last fall (2008) (after being literally deathly ill), my life has been in change mode.

Although I have always, throughout my life, devoted some of my time and energy to personal growth, during the last three years, my personal growth has been in high gear--a consuming passion.

And although personal growth has always been something I have pursued, I have always felt, to some extent, that it's always just out of my grasp.

In a noticeable about-face, since the fall of 2008, I feel that personal growth--great changes that vastly improve me as a person--have descended on me, magically, from on high. I feel that change wells up within me. Since fall of 2008, change just happens. I don't have to work hard or cajole it or white knuckle anything. Bibbidi bobbidi boo: change!

This has been a little baffling. Interestingly, instead of just being thrilled that change is occurring within me so quickly and so effectively, I seem to be very interested in why this change has just happened within me like a miracle. It definitely feels like it is happening TO me. Don't get me wrong, I love it. I just don't know WHY it is happening. Especially since I have wanted it for so long. So why now?

Anyway, although from December 2008 until now, each month has brought major unforeseeable change to my life, ever since the rubrics (a major part of my job) got completed on August 21 of 2009, I have been embarking on some seriously MAJOR change.

If I am successful, it will be a real sea change in my life. I can see it changing my life completely. And although it would feel like it would such a change that I would feel different to my core, I also believe that this change would allow who I really am to shine through and be appreciated in ways that have never been true before. So although I would perceive it as major, core, change, maybe the better term for it would be that I was shedding all the things that have been blocking who I really am. Somewhere I read that good sculpturers look a block of marble and can actually see the figure they mean to carve and then they simply remove all that marble that isn't the figure. The kind of change in myself I am talking about would be like that: removing everything that isn't the real me.

But man am I running into resistance. And I am, once again, baffled. I am pursuing something I want to do. Something I think will make me much happier. What is the deal with all the inner resistance?

Interestingly, I have a number of tools that would help me change, but I find I can only take them in very small doses. One is a book, but I seem to only be able to read 7 pages a day. What is with this?

I feel like people have told me that your "self" will resist psychological change. But I can't find anything written on it. Nor can I figure out why I would resist something I want so badly.

Radical Blessing Listing

2009-09-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

In this post, I discuss the Radical Blessing Listing process. The task of the Radical Blessing Listing is to make a list of 100 blessings in 30 minutes. I only made it to 82, but still, it worked. My Limbo-Funk is lifted a bit.

There is no way to really commit to doing the Radical Blessing Listing without it significantly altering your mood. Radical Blessing Listing has to be something you do in a complete hurry. It doesn't work if you contemplate. You cannot worry about spelling or grammar. You cannot edit yourself. Set a timer and just type as fast as you can. Its stream of consciousness where you write down every blessing you can think, big or small, serious or silly.

But its like sunshine or a day at the beach or hugging a wiggly puppy: you can't help but be happy afterwards.

I am blessed to have had really good health insurance when I had a life-threatening illness in the fall of 2008.
I am blessed to do work that makes a difference.
I am blessed that after so many years of being in a coma about love, someone came along and brought me back to life.
I am blessed that music can really cheer me up.
I am blessed to make enough money to buy really fast wireless internet.
I am blessed that bodies of water or water features can really cheer me up.
I am blessed that the smell of fresh cut grass can change everything for me. The smell of fresh cut grass is an instant smile.
I am blessed to often only be able to remember the good things.
I am blessed to be an optimist.
I am blessed that Aaron Sorkin writes such inspirational television shows.
I am blessed that I make enough money that I can buy the Aaron Sorkin shows I love.
I am blessed that jean jackets really cheer me up.
I am blessed that I am always looking for the good thing about a bad situation.
I am blessed to have a strong and deep work ethic.
I am blessed to have been trained to teach by Candyce Reynolds and the UNST crew.
I am blessed that my parents both had jobs that made a difference. They imparted a view of work that I now know is rare and that view has brought me so much happiness.
I am blessed to have worked for Seanna Kerrigan who taught me that the universe knows what its doing and its ok to trust it.
I am blessed, so so blessed, to have been able to see Dale Rhodes who has been my "therapist"/spiritual director/miracle worker for the last 3 years.
I am blessed to have discovered Martha Beck's books.
I am blessed to have Amy Pearson as a friend. Her wisdom and her bravery in letting her essential self lead her gives me courage to do the same.
I am blessed to be back in touch with highschool and college friends who give me a renewed faith in the goodness of people.
I am blessed to have been raised with dogs. I think dogs teach you how to love: true and loyal.
I am blessed to really like the taste of plain water, as long as its really really cold.
I am blessed to have been raised in a place as beautiful as Eden Prairie.
I am blessed to have been raised singing. Singing brings such joy.
I am blessed to have had a mom who took me to the symphony, orchestra, opera, and theatre throughout my childhood.
I am blessed to have had a mom who read to me daily for my whole childhood. She instilled a love a reading that is a comfort like almost no other. Reading may be the only true passport.
I am blessed to have had a dad who taught me to love movies and television.
I am blessed to have had parents who taught me, each in their own way, to love STORY.
I am blessed to have had a grandmother who loved me without condition. Her love was a balm to my broken heart and gave me heart-strength to survive many hard things.
I am blessed to have grown up in Minnesota where I learned to help others.
I am blessed to have grown up in Minnesota where I learned to be nice to strangers.
I am blessed to have grown up where its humid because now humidity reminds me of my childhood summers. So a weather condition that makes most people miserable makes me happy down to my bones.
I am blessed to have grown up where it snows. There is a beauty to snow that gets into your soul. No one should miss that.
I am blessed to have my father's gift for words.
I am blessed to have my mother's gift for rearranging furniture.
I am blessed to have my mother's gift for seeing options.
I am blessed to have my father's computer-like memory. He remembers jokes, I remember movie lines. I love that about myself.
I am blessed that little things like getting a pedicure make me so happy.
I am blessed that I make enough money to get pedicures ridiculously often.
I am blessed that Good Earth tea makes me so happy. I am also blessed that Good Earth tea can be bought at the store.
I am blessed that OTC sleeping pills exist.
I am blessed to live in the age of Apple. Their products, lasting so long, being of such high quality, and being so LOVELY, make my life exponentially better.
I am blessed that an old boyfriend bought me the very first iPhone ever made.
I am blessed that sitting in front of the ocean puts everything in perspective, without fail.
I am blessed that I have this down time in my job now. I desperately need to recover from the last 19 months.
I am blessed that I have boss who sends me flowers when I don't feel well.
I am blessed that I found an apartment with hardwood floors, which brings me such happiness. I hate carpet.
I am blessed that I have lived in an apartment for eight years that has a breathtaking view of downtown Portland. Such beauty every day.
I am blessed that I love to move. Most people hate it and truly few things make me happier than moving.
I am blessed that I have naturally great fingernails.
I am blessed to have pretty feet. I think most people don't like their feet. I love my feet. :)
I am blessed that earplugs exist and are cheap. Without them, I would have gone insane from not getting any sleep.
I am blessed that Joss Whedon created Firefly and Serenity. He puts words to what is in my heart.
I am blessed to be a minimalist. I love owning very little. I love that starkness makes me happy. I love that outer order brings inner peace. (A quote from Gretchen Rubin.)
I am blessed to have found movies that have gotten me through very tough times.
I am blessed to have learned the secret to friendship in the last ten years.
I am blessed that flowers--$4.99 flowers like daisies or tulips--bring me such sustained happiness.
I am blessed that Gmail was invented. It makes my job and my life so much easier.
I am blessed that I went to a school that required me to take speed reading classes. I am still, 25 years later, a very fast reader. That skill has served me incredibly well over the years.
I am blessed that my parents instilled in me a deep and abiding faith in my own intelligence.
I am blessed to be learning how to relax and let things go. "Stress is an ignorant state. It believes everything is an emergency."
I am blessed to have lived in the era of Teddy Kennedy, Bill Clinton, and Barack Obama.
I am blessed to have grown up singing hymns. The steady rhythm of hymns still comforts me like no other music does.
I am blessed to have grown up listening to Barry Manilow. His songs of love are so beautiful.
I am blessed to have grown up listening to Amy Grant. Her simple faith and joy was a mirror for me. Because she was so lovable, I could love myself a little.
I am blessed to love to write.
I am blessed to have a blog to store my writing electronically. I hated storing it on paper.
I am blessed to have had good friends in college. Those days were so happy.
I am blessed to have actually walked in the rain with a boy I loved.
I am blessed to have had my grandmother live until I was 33. I had so long with her. I am so lucky.
I am blessed to have had a love of musicals instilled in me very young. The Music Man, The Sound of Music, and Mary Poppins still bring me instant joy.
I am blessed to have developed, recently, a love of salad.
I am blessed to have developed, recently, a love of vegetables.
I am blessed to have recently learned how to nap.
I am blessed to have the music of Michael Buble. I am an old fashioned girl and his old fashioned music brings me comfort and joy.
I am blessed to have grown up in the eighties when all things traditional where in vogue. All that stuff comforts me so: khakis and pearls and dressing like the Kennedys is so reassuring to this day.
I am blessed to be a strongly empathetic person.
I am blessed to love to write cards.
I am blessed to love giving gifts.
I am blessed to have fallen in love again. It was like nothing I have ever experienced. A miracle.
I am blessed to have had many colleagues who taught me their perspectives about teaching. They have improved my teaching immensely.

Limbo-Funk and Finding True North

2009-09-04T20:07:00.000-07:00

"Dear Catherine,
I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in so long. I feel I've been lost. No bearings, no compass. I kept crashing into things, a little crazy I guess. I've never been lost before. You were my true north. I could always steer for home when you were my home. Forgive me for being so angry when you left. I still think some mistake's been made and I'm waiting for God to take it back. But I'm doing better now. The work helps me. Most of all, you help me. You came into my dream last night with that smile of yours that always held me like a lover, rocked me like a child. All I remember from the dream is a feeling of peace. I woke up with that feeling and tried to keep it alive as long as I could..."
- Message in a Bottle

I am at a crossroads. A project I have been working on for nineteen months just ended. I am about to move to Minnesota. And after way too many years of being single, I am starting to date again. Everything is changing.

Now I love change. Loving change makes me, I think, an odd human. I think most people chafe a bit at change. But my mother likes change too and her penchant for rearranging the furniture when I was a child helped me see change as getting rid of the old, sad, depressing way things looked and cleaning all the cobwebs out. When she was done rearranging, everything smelled good, was shiny clean, and it was like the whole room was new: things migrated from one room to another and a plant or chair or vase that had been dull and boring in one room seemed new and interesting when moved to another. So after a lifetime of rearranging furniture, I heart change.

But the plan for change has been long and drawn out during this season of my life. I am not moving until December. Even tho the project is done, the grant still lasts for another four months. So I am a little stuck from day to day: wanting so badly to move ahead and yet needing to be a responsible grownup and wait.

And it turns out that everything--from work to home--being in limbo doesn't have the best effect on me. About once every other day, I lose my bearings.

Normally a cheery, optimistic person, when the limbo-funk descends, I become a little sad, a little low on hope. Just now I realized it had happened again. The only way I can describe the feeling is being lost, being turned around, realizing you don't know where you are.

Obviously, the right choice would be to get back on the path, find a map, steer a course. And I have no idea why I think this, but I am fairly certain that the way to find my true north again is to do something I am going to call Radical Blessing Listing.

You will notice the next post I will publish will be a Radical Blessing Listing. Its radical because I will attempt to, in 30 minutes, list 100 blessings: everything I can think of in my life that is a blessing. A sort of stream of consciousness, no editing, listing. I think this will act as a sort of "shakabuku" for my limbo-funk.

Debi: You know what you need?
Marty: What?
Debi: Shakabuku.
Marty: You wanna tell me what that means?
Debi: It's a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.
Marty: Oh, that'd be good. I think.
- Grosse Pointe Blank

I'll let you know if it works. And if it does--if after doing it, I find my true north again--I will be sure and set my compass.

Moves

2009-09-03T07:59:00.000-07:00

Inspired by my friend Patti's remark on Facebook this morning, I wrote down all the times I have moved. When I was 20 I had lived 20 different places. Keeping with tradition, at 42, I will have moved 42 times.

1967: Born in Manhattan, Kansas. I believe we lived in Jardine terrace on the Kansas State campus. 1970: Moved to Wayzata, Minnesota.
? 1972: Moved to Excelsior, Minnesota.
1973: Moved to Creekwood in Eden Prairie, Minnesota.
1976: Moved to Portland, Oregon.
1979: Moved to Mill Creek in Eden Prairie, Minnesota.
1982: Moved to the house on Ticonderoga Trail in Eden Prairie, Minnesota.
Summer 1984: Moved to the townhouse in Hopkins, Minnesota.
Autumn 1984: Moved to dorm (actually it was a townhouse) on the Bethel Campus in Arden Hills, Minnesota.
Autumn 1984: Dropped out of college and moved back to the townhouse in Hopkins, Minnesota.
Winter 1985: Moved to dorm on the Bethel Campus in Arden Hills, Minnesota.
Summer 1985: Moved home to the townhouse in Hopkins, Minnesota.
Autumn 1985: Moved to dorm (actually it was a townhouse) on the Bethel Campus in Arden Hills, Minnesota.
Summer 1986 Moved to dorm on the Bethel Campus in Arden Hills, Minnesota.
Autumn 1986: Moved to dorm (actually it was a townhouse) on the Bethel Campus in Arden Hills, Minnesota.
Winter 1987: Dropped out of college and moved in with Scott in an apartment in New Brighton, Minnesota
Summer 1987: Moved to an apartment owned by Bethel in New Brighton, Minnesota.
Summer 1987: Moved to my mom's house in St. Paul, Minnesota.
Autumn 1987: Moved to a study away program in Lincoln, Oregon (between Ashland and Klamath Falls.)
Winter 1987: Moved to my mom's house in St. Paul, Minnesota.
Summer 1988: Moved to an apartment with Shannon in New Brighton, Minnesota.
? 1991: Moved to a Sue & Jon's triplex in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Summer 1992: Moved to Scott & Dave's townhouse in Eagen, Minnesota.
Autumn 1992: Moved to Marie's apartment in Inver Grove Heights, Minnesota.
Autumn 1992: Moved into a friend's basement apartment in South St. Paul, Minnesota.
Winter 1993: Moved in with the Truax family in Eden Prairie, Minnesota.
Autumn 1996: Moved to apartment on Belmont in Portland, Oregon.
Autumn 1996: Moved to mom's house on 54th in Portland, Oregon.
Autumn 1996: Moved to a different apartment on Belmont in Portland, Oregon.
Winter 1997: Moved to the Twin Cities. (I have totally forgotten where.)
Winter 1997: Moved to mom's house on 54th in Portland, Oregon.
Autumn 1996: Moved to a different apartment on Belmont in Portland, Oregon
Spring 1998: Moved to dorm (Montgomery) on Portland State campus in downtown Portland, Oregon.
Autumn 1999: Moved to Carrie & Dan's house in St. Paul, Minnesota.
Winter 2000: Moved in with the Truax family in Eden Prairie, Minnesota.
Winter 2000: Moved to mom's house on Skidmore in Portland, Oregon.
Spring 2000: Moved to a dorm (Montgomery) on Portland State campus in downtown Portland, Oregon.
? 2001: Moved to an apartment (St. Helen's) on Portland State campus in downtown Portland, Oregon.
? 2001: Moved to a dorm (Montgomery) on Portland State campus in downtown Portland, Oregon.
? 2002: Moved to an apartment on the 12th floor in the Ione Plaza in downtown Portland, Oregon.
? 2003: Moved to an apartment on the 11th floor in the Ione Plaza in downtown Portland, Oregon.
Autumn 2006: Moved to a different apartment on the 11th floor in the Ione Plaza in downtown Portland, Oregon.
Winter 2009: Will move to an apartment, likely in Roseville, Minnesota.

By way of explanation, my father was an architect and so was always finding cooler houses for us to move into when I was a child. Both my parents have made money buying and selling houses in their lives. I think moving was, oddly, good for their troubled marriage. So we moved a lot.

I thus learned to love moving. Now, nothing thrills me like moving. Truly. :)

Life Design

2009-09-03T05:55:00.000-07:00

For the past 19 months, I have been working on a project for my job. It has been a Herculean project, one that often required me to run five to seven back-to-back conference calls every day, all day long. When I wasn't doing that, I was scheduling phone meetings with folks from over 100 campuses across the country. Often 100 phone meetings in one month. Then back to running conference calls for months at a time.

Yesterday, at 10:46 am, that project came to a finish. !!!

Let me be clear. I have four months worth of housekeeping on the project to do: articles to write, web forms to design, over 200 people to gather information from, data to enter into a database, websites to update, data to analyze. I could go on and on.

But the life-taking-over part of the project is done.

And now I am laying here, awake, at 5 am on a Thursday, contemplating my life.

I started contemplating my new life this morning, because, at 5 am when I woke up, I automatically reached for my Mac Book and started working. I followed all the routines I have been following for 19 months. When I was about to click on MSNBC.com and watch the Today Show, I thought, "wait a minute!"

And I am laying here in the dark now, fully aware that the things I did to break up the work during the last 19 months are not things I have to keep doing. My life could be bigger than it is now. Better. (Which, as a child of the 70s, always makes me think "Better. Stronger. Faster.")

Wow.

I literally feel like a child. You know when you have been feeding them mushed veggies and fruit for the first year of their life, buying organic and being a model parent? And now its their first birthday, and you put a chocolate cake in front of them? And they have no idea what it is? That's how I feel.

I feel a little at a loss. As I lay here, all the options are before me. What sort of life do I want to build? I have to admit, I have been doing nothing but work for 19 months and I can't even identify, right now, the things I would rather have in my life. Okay, that's not true. I know the things I want in my life, but I am not quite sure the things I want to do at 5 am. I mean, its dark at 5 am. lol.

So, I have some thinking to do. But its sounds like fun: life design.

I Will Never Forget September 2009

2009-09-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

On Twitter, many folks use hashtags in their updates. This summer, I saw one I was curious about. Reading the real-time results for the hashtage #iwillneverforget, I was inspired to track something I will never forget each day.

This isn't exactly new for me. Already, every day, I update a blog post I create for each month (September 2009 Gratefuls) with the list of things I am grateful for each day. So I love a "daily addition to a blog post" ritual. This (#iwillneverforget) seemed like a particularly fun one to do. This is my second month of doing this daily posting. I did it in August 2009 as well. Look for a new addition to this list each day.

My four-years-late highschool graduation party in 1988.
The toybox at Grandma's.
Keds.
My mom reading me The Chronicles of Narnia when I was little.
The first cheeseburger after a week-long, hellish camping trip in 1987. Bliss.
The photocube at Grandma's.
When a friend from college whispered to me, during Sue and Jon's wedding ceremony--which happened to be in an un-air-conditioned church on 100 degree day in August of 1988--as we all stood up for them, sweat dripping off us: "Do you have a towel?" Omg, lol! About the funniest thing anyone has ever said to me.
My mom reading me The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy when I was little.
Walking with Doug over to Polynesian Village at like 2 or 3 in the morning during that first week of dating. Ah, young love.
The swingset at Grandma's.
"He does bite my nose." (Quote from a young relative in reaction to a new puppy.)
My mom reading me Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH when I was little.
When I asked if we could go into Eddie Bauer, Melissa saying, "Sure. We could get something to go with your loafers." Omg, lol!
The ring toss at Grandma's.
Sitting on the couch at the Truaxes, watching the lightning and the storm.
The Little Women dolls mom made me.
Seeing Serenity in the theatre with Tarehna & Brandon.
The magnetic tic tac toe game at Grandma's.
What it was like to have a boy love me.
The feathery tree at Grandma's.
Barack Obama winning the election.
Mark driving fast, late at night on that windy road in Eden Prairie.
Waterbugs in Purgatory Creek.
The mentor room
Buying the platform bed.
The Snowpacolypse.
Getting a master degree.
Reading Little Women over and over again when I was young.
My Scully coat.
Christmas 2008 with Mel and Andy: watching Firefly
The way the light looked on the west hills in the morning when I lived in Montgomery.

Teddy Kennedy's Legislative Achievements

2009-08-29T18:03:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend today about all Teddy Kennedy had done for Americans and couldn't find a comprehensive list of his legislative accomplishments. So I put this together from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Kennedy. All text is a direct quote.

Kennedy returned to the Senate in January 1965, walking with a cane and employing a stronger and more effective legislative staff.^[21] He took on President Lyndon B. Johnson and almost succeeded in amending the Voting Rights Act of 1965 to ban the poll tax,^[21] gaining a reputation for legislative skill.^[17]
He was a leader in pushing through the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965, which ended a quota system based upon national origin^[17] and which, despite Kennedy's predictions at the time, would have a profound effect on the demographic makeup of the United States.^[36]
He also played a role in creation of the National Teachers Corps.^[21]^[37]
Following in the Cold Warrior path of his fallen brother, Kennedy initially said he had "no reservations" about the expanding U.S. role in the Vietnam War, acknowledging that it would be a "long and enduring struggle".^[17] Kennedy held hearings on the plight of refugees in the conflict, which revealed that the U.S. government had no coherent policy for refugees.^[38]
Kennedy also tried to reform "unfair" and "inequitable" aspects of the draft.^[17]
In January 1971, Kennedy lost his position as Senate Majority Whip when he lost the support of several members and was defeated by Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia, 31–24.^[53] Kennedy would later tell Byrd that the defeat was a blessing, as it allowed him to focus more on issues and committee work, where his best strengths lay^[53] and where he could exert influence independently from the Democratic party apparatus.^[54] Kennedy became chair of the Senate subcommittee on health care and played a leading role with Jacob Javits in the creation and passage of the National Cancer Act of 1971.^[55]
In the wake of the Watergate scandal, Kennedy pushed campaign finance reform; he was a leading force behind passage of the Federal Election Campaign Act Amendments of 1974, which set contribution limits and established public financing for presidential elections.^[67]^[68]
The 1980 election saw the Republicans capture not just the presidency but control of the Senate as well, and Kennedy was in the minority party for the first time in his career. Kennedy did not dwell upon his presidential loss,^[78] but instead reaffirmed his public commitment to American liberalism.^[94] He chose to become the ranking member of the Labor and Public Welfare Committee rather than of the Judiciary Committee, which he would later say was one of the most important decisions of his career.^[94] Kennedy became a committed champion of women's issues and of gay rights,^[94] and established relationships with select Republican senators in an effort to block Reagan's actions and preserve and improve the Voting Rights Act.
[He secured] funding for AIDS treatment.
[He secured] equal funding for women's sports under Title IX.^[78]
In 1982...Kennedy became the Senate's leading advocate for a nuclear freeze.^[99]
Kennedy staged a tiring, dangerous, and high-profile trip to South Africa in January 1985.^[102] He defied both the apartheid government's wishes and militant anti-white AZAPO demonstrators by spending a night in the Soweto home of Bishop Desmond Tutu and also visited Winnie Mandela, wife of imprisoned black leader Nelson Mandela.^[78]^[102] Upon returning, Kennedy became a leader in the push for economic sanctions against South Africa; collaborating with Senator Lowell Weicker, he secured Senate passage, and the overriding of Reagan's veto, of the Comprehensive Anti-Apartheid Act of 1986.^[102]
In...1985 Kennedy used his legislative skills to get passed the COBRA Act, which extended employer-based health benefits after leaving a job.^[66]^[109]
When the September 1987 Judiciary Committee hearings began, Kennedy challenged Bork forcefully on civil rights, privacy, women's rights, and other issues.^[78] Bork's own demeanor hurt him,^[111] and the nomination was defeated both in committee and the full Senate.^[78]
Kennedy remained a powerful force in the Senate; after prolonged negotiations during 1989 with Bush chief of staff John H. Sununu and Attorney General Richard Thornburgh to secure Bush's approval, he directed passage of the landmark Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990.^[66]^[118] Kennedy had personal interest in the bill due to his sister Rosemary's condition and his son's lost leg, and he considered its enactment one of the most important successes of his career.[66]
In the late 1980s Kennedy and Hatch staged a prolonged battle against Senator Jesse Helms to provide funding to combat the AIDS epidemic and provide treatment for low-income people affected; this would culminate in passage of the Ryan White Care Act.^[119]
Kennedy pushed on, but even his legislative successes, such as the Civil Rights Act of 1991, which expanded employee rights in discrimination cases, came at the cost of being criticized for compromising with Republicans and Southern Democrats in order to gain passage.^[123]
Kennedy floor managed successful passage of Clinton's National and Community Service Trust Act of 1993 that created the AmeriCorps program.
In 1996, Kennedy secured an increase in the minimum wage law, a favorite issue of his;^[146] there would not be another increase for ten years.
Kennedy worked with Republican Senator Nancy Kassebaum to create and pass the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act in 1996, which set new marks for portability of insurance and confidentiality of records.^[66]
[Also in 1996,] Kennedy's Mental Health Parity Act forced insurance companies to treat mental health payments the same as others with respect to limits reached.^[66]
In 1997, Kennedy was the prime mover behind the State Children's Health Insurance Program,^[148]Medicaid began in the 1960s. Senator Hatch and First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton also played major roles in SCHIP passing.^[149]^[150]
Kennedy was in his Senate offices meeting with First Lady Laura Bush when the September 11, 2001, attacks took place.^[153] Two of the airplanes involved had taken off from Boston, and in the following weeks, Kennedy telephoned each of the 177 Massachusetts families who had lost members in the attacks.^[153] He pushed through legislation that provided healthcare and grief counseling benefits for the families, and recommended the appointment of his former chief of staff Kenneth Feinberg as Special Master of the government's September 11th Victim Compensation Fund.^[153] Kennedy maintained an ongoing bond with the Massachusetts 9/11 families in subsequent years.^[153]^[158]
Kennedy strongly opposed the Iraq War from the start, and was one of 23 senators voting against the Iraq War Resolution in October 2002.^[153]
In response to losses of Massachusetts service personnel to roadside bombs, Kennedy became vocal on the issue of Humvee vulnerability, and co-sponsored enacted 2005 legislation that sped up production and Army procurement of uparmored Humvees.^[153]
Kennedy was chair of the United States Senate Judiciary Subcommittee on Immigration, Border Security, and Refugees, and in 2005, Kennedy teamed with Republican Senator John McCain on the Secure America and Orderly Immigration Act. The "McCain-Kennedy bill" did not reach a Senate vote, but provided a template for further attempts at dealing comprehensively with legalization, guest worker programs, and border enforcement components. Kennedy returned again with the Comprehensive Immigration Reform Act of 2007, which was sponsored by an ideologically diverse, bipartisan group of senators^[159] as well as having strong support from the Bush administration.^[66]talk radio listeners and others as an "amnesty" program,^[160] and despite Kennedy's last-minute attempts to salvage it, failed a cloture vote in the Senate.^[161] Kennedy was philosophical about the defeat, saying that often took several attempts across multiple Congresses for this type of legislation to build enough momentum for passage.^[66]
Kennedy made another surprise appearance in the Senate to break a Republican filibuster against the Obama stimulus package.^[191]
Later in March [2009], a bill reauthorizing and expanding the AmeriCorps program was renamed the Edward M. Kennedy Serve America Act by Senator Hatch in Kennedy's honor.^[195]

Travel (from the root word travail)

2009-08-29T06:49:00.000-07:00

“A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.” - John Steinbeck

In the last week of August 2009, I traveled to Washington DC for work. I am fortunate to work for a great organization (Association of American Colleges & Universities) that is based in DC. I run a grant for AAC&U (the VALUE Initiative) and the folks (mostly my boss Terry Rhodes) at AAC&U, when they hired me, were kind enough to let me have the job without my having to move to DC. So every once in a while, I go to DC, to the office, for various administrative tasks.

For this trip, I flew in on a Monday, was at the office on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and flew out on Friday. I have been traveling for work a lot since 2005. I usually travel once a month. Ever since I took the position at AAC&U, most of my travel as been to east coast cities. And while I enjoyed traveling a great deal when I first started doing it for business back in 2005, the traveling I have been doing for the last year and half has really been unpleasant.

I think the primary problem is that I now consistently fly all the way across the country. It is always a day long trip. It took me at least a year to learn that I should just dedicate a whole day on either side of the trip to flying and stop trying to fly home the last night of a trip after day long meetings. If you don't start flying til 7pm, even if you encounter only one delay, you are totally screwed. All the flights have gone already. :(

But in addition, each individual plane ride is long--one leg of the trip is always over 4 hours. I am not good at sitting still, so 4 hours is a challenge for me. I don't have a computer battery that lasts long enough to watch movies the whole time, which would help.

I have spent quite a bit of time flying USAirways. This means I fly through Phoenix a lot. This has advantages, one of which is that we often fly over the Grand Canyon.
But of late, USAirways has not served me well. I have encountered delays that ruined trips and have learned that flying into Phoenix in the heat of summer guarantees an extremely turbulent take off and landing. :( I am someone who is easily motion sick so this is not a good situation.

“All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” - Martin Buber

One of the blessings of the trip, although long and exhausting was that I got to spend three days in DC and it was gloriously humid. Some of you may know of my LOVE of humidity. Of course DC in the summer is always quite humid. They say DC is built on a swamp and god bless all that humidity. Each day in DC was hard, working very hard, being very jet lagged and I thanked god for the moments where I could step outside into that lovely and comforting moisture. My colleagues were kind enough to suggest eating outside each day, so I could really soak it up.

When I arrived in DC after a long, bad trip with delays, it was late at night and I was overtired, frustrated, ready to give up. But I got into a cab where the driver let me roll down the windows (which was great since most cabbies are addicted to AC) and we drove, in silence, and the wet night air blew through my hair. We drove past the most famous monuments in our nation lit bright against the midnight sky and crickets sang to me alone. I can't even explain the beauty of it and how it was a balm to my heart.

When I left DC on Friday, I walked outside into the highest level of humidity I had experienced thus far in my trip. It, again, buoyed my mood and I had to take a picture. Not because the landscape was lovely, but because I wanted to remember the moment. :)

“Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things - air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky - all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” - Cesare Pavese

I am back in Portland now from my week long trip and have an entire month before I have to travel again. But I can't wait until I move to Minnesota, where nowhere is more than 4 hours away by plane.

Top Ten Reasons the Twin Cities Are A Great Place to Live

2009-08-10T15:01:00.000-07:00

Recently, two friends posted this article to Facebook. Since I have lived in Portland for 13 years and am moving home to Minneapolis in December, I thought I should see if I could find a similar article on the Twin Cities. I found a few, but as I was compiling reasons from various sources, it occurred to me that perhaps the more useful and meaningful task might be to make a list of why I think the Twin Cities are a great place to live:

City of helpers
As mentioned in "Should You Move To Minnesota?": "Minnesotans are very helpful. If your car gets stuck in the snow, people will run out to give you a hand, and they'll be more than happy to give you directions. They'll also make small talk in the grocery line."
This was such a shock to me when I moved to Oregon: how--in comparison--unfriendly people in Portland are. I will be glad to return to the city of helpers, city of talkers, city of people who look at you and greet you when they pass you on the sidewalk.
I think there are lots of reasons for the difference, but as mentioned above, I think its the weather that connects strangers in Minnesota. When you could die in a blizzard on the way home, you are a lot more aware of who is stuck at the side of the road and you are a lot more inclined to help. Rain mostly doesn't kill people.
Thunder & lightening
From April 'til September, you get thunderstorms in Minnesota. You get torrential but brief rain. You get a lot of lightening. When you grow up with it, you learn to smell it before it arrives. And the thunder & lightening is the most entertaining show ever. Perhaps I love live theater because I cut my teeth on midwestern storms.
On the other hand, about once a year or once every other year in Portland you will one clap of thunder, and if you are very lucky, you will see just the blink of the lightening--not even the actual white jagged flash in the sky.
Can't wait to get home.
Tornadoes
Same story here. Same season. The sky turns a particular color when a tornado is coming and the air feels a certain way. I think it was my childhood summers in Kansas that cemented my love of tornadoes. My grandparents had a big picture window in their living room and I would watch the storms, in wonder, all summer long. They, who were afraid of everything--death, poverty, etc.--never showed any fear of the storms, so I was free to grow up loving them. And I did.
Land of 10,000 Lakes
This has remained something I have missed the entire time I have lived in Portland. When I first moved here, I mourned the lack of lakes. In Minnesota, lakes are like Starbucks in Portland--you can't swing a dead cat without hitting one. According to this Introduction to Minnesota: "There are 11,842 lakes that are 10 acres or more. Depending on one's definition of a lake, we have seen numbers as high as 15,000. Such bodies of water [have a] total shoreline [that] exceeds 90,000 miles - more than California, Hawaii and Florida combined. (The state's name comes from a Dakota word for "sky-tinted water".) Minnesota [also] has 6,564 natural rivers and streams that cumulatively flow for 69,000 miles. [Finally,] approximately 10.6 million acres of wetlands are contained within Minnesota's borders, the most of any state except Alaska."
Born under a water sign, all that readily-available water makes me breathe a little easier. I don't know why the big rivers of Portland didn't do the same thing for me, but they didn't.
In the Twin Cities, people typically take a walk around a lake at least once a week. The water is everywhere. Its just different.
Big sky
In Minnesota, the land is flat and stretches out to the horizon. In Portland, there are mountains and hills on every side and the only place you can see the true horizon is sitting at the beach on a clear day. I was so claustrophobic in Portland when I first moved here--not being able to see the horizon creeped me out. I can't wait to see the horizon again. Even pictures of that flat Minnesota prairie make my heart sing.
Socialism (lack of pioneer spirit)
Descended from Scandinavians, Minnesota is a little socialist island in the middle of red states.
Oregon, on the other hand, was settled by pioneers, courageous settlers who left civilization and explored. They were a little wild and their descendants remain so, eschewing regulation and the public good for an "its my land and you can't tell me what to do with it" mentality. This type of thinking has remained shocking, mysterious, and repugnant to me the entire time I have lived in Portland. The orientation of Minnesota towards others, toward the good of the larger society, is much more my speed.
Public funding for schools, arts, etc.
While I was unable to find quick evidence proving that Minnesota, as a state, funds more education, arts, parks, etc. than Oregon, I can attest to this having lived in both places. This website does have impressive stats about Minnesota school students.
In my search, I found this stat about culture and funding a lot and namely at the "Minneapolis" wikipedia page: "Named America's most literate city, Minneapolis has cultural organizations that draw creative people and audiences to the city for theater, visual art, writing, and music. The community's diverse population has a long tradition of charitable support through progressive public social programs and through private and corporate philanthropy."
At that same site, there was this information about parks: "Today, 16.6% of the city is parks and there are 770 square feet of parkland for each resident, ranked in 2008 as the most parkland per resident within cities of similar population densities."
Cinderella at the Children's Theatre
If you haven't seen this production, you are coming close to not having lived. My mother, a theater lover who raised me on live theater, has taken me to this show several times. It is, hands down, the funniest production I have ever seen. I highly recommend it and will go to see it every chance I get.
On ramps are always accompanied by off ramps
The Twin Cities is a land of highways. Its a pretty sprawled city. There are at least two highways that will get you everywhere you want to go--you always have options. But more importantly: if there is an on ramp, there is a corresponding off ramp. In other words, if you can get off Highway 10 at Central Avenue, you can also get back on at that same spot. This became an issue when I moved to Portland and discovered that such rules are not followed here. I am continually surprised. Thank god I am moving back to the land of rigid street organization. :)
Summer rain
It rains a lot in Portland, but never in the summer. Boy do I miss the summer rain. In the Twin Cities, you get frequent summer downpours. Now they only last 5 minutes, but its nice to have everything washed off from time to time. For being such a green city, around the first of August, Portland starts to look pretty dusty and dead and bedraggled. Can't wait for the sun shining through the summer rain that springs up frequently in the Twin Cities.

Those are just my opinions and weird loves. They aren't actually tourist attractions, except #4 and #8. So here is my list of favorite Twin Cities tourist attractions:

Discovery Bay at the Minnesota Zoo in Golden Valley
Underwater Adventures at the Mall of America in Bloomington--interestingly, I haven't been here, but anything with water, I love!
Como Park Observatory in St. Paul
Southdale--according to suite101.com: "Southdale was built in 1956 and is the oldest climate-controlled indoor shopping mall in the United States. Located in upscale Edina, the mall has been updated throughout the years and is a very popular place to shop."
The Galleria, also in Edina--hey I love shopping. I was raised in the suburbs. Shoot me. Also, the Galleria has a great Good Earth restaurant and it used to have this flower cave--a cave like store that sold flowers by the stem. It smelled SO good.

Here's some additional characteristics that others are highlighting about the Twin Cities...

Great Bragging Points About Minneapolis from Wikipedia

Named America's most literate city, Minneapolis has cultural organizations that draw creative people and audiences to the city for theater, visual art, writing, and music. The community's diverse population has a long tradition of charitable support through progressive public social programs and through private and corporate.
In 1968 , Minneapolis, was the birthplace of the American Indian Movement.
Among U.S. cities, Minneapolis has the fourth-highest percentage of gay, lesbian, or bisexual people in the adult population, with 12.5% (behind San Francisco, and slightly behind both Seattle and Atlanta).
Availability of Wi-Fi, transportation solutions, medical trials, university research and development expenditures, advanced degrees held by the work force, and energy conservation are so far above the national average that in 2005, named Minneapolis the "Top Tech City" in the U.S.
The Twin Cities ranked the country's second best city in a 2006 Kiplinger's poll of Smart Places to Live and Minneapolis was one of the Seven Cool Cities for young professionals Personal Finance Smart Places to Live & Seven Cool Cities for young professionals.
The region is second only to New York City in live theater per capita
Today, 16.6% of the city is parks and there are 770 square feet of parkland for each resident, ranked in 2008 as the most parkland per resident within cities of similar population densities.
The organizers of Earth Day scored Minneapolis ninth best overall and second among mid-sized cities in their 2007 Urban Environment Report, a study based on indicators of environmental health and their effect on people.
Half of Minneapolis-Saint Paul residents work in the city where they live.
Minneapolis ranks second in the nation for the highest percentage of commuters by bicycle.
In 2007 citing the city's bicycle lanes, buses and LRT, Forbes identified Minneapolis the world's fifth cleanest city.
More than 40% of adults in Minneapolis-St. Paul give time to Volunteer work, the highest percent in the U.S.
The metropolitan area gives 13% of its total charitable donations to the arts and culture.

Some highlights from Should You Move To Minneapolis:

Education. Minnesota public schools regularly visit the top of national rankings. In addition, most districts in the Twin Cities practice open enrollment, so if you're not happy with your neighborhood school, you may be able to send your child elsewhere if there's room. The Twin Cities are also home to quite a number of higher learning institutions, from the sprawling University of Minnesota to prestigious private schools like Macalester College.
Civility. Minnesotans are very helpful. If your car gets stuck in the snow, people will run out to give you a hand, and they'll be more than happy to give you directions. They'll also make small talk in the grocery line, which is quite a surprise to visitors from the East Coast. There's a heavy Scandinavian influence in the area, and you can tell, because people are mellow and polite.
Reasonable cost of living and a healthy economy. Of course, this partly depends on where you come from, but cost of living is much more reasonable than on the coasts. Housing prices exploded a few years back, but they're coming down again.
Increased diversity. Minnesota used to be a pretty homogeneous state, but although that's still true in many places, the metro area itself has diversified in recent years. There's been an influx of immigrants from Southeast Asia, Russia, and Africa.

A Few Tidbits from Most Affordable Places to Live Well:

"What pushed Minneapolis to the top? Last quarter, 61% of the area's home sold were available to the median household earner, according to NAHB/Wells Fargo, which puts the City of Lakes in 17th place of the 50 cities we measured. Minneapolis ranked just under the median in cost of living. Its quality of life ranking most distinguishes it; here the city ranked third, and came in ninth in arts and leisure offerings.

Indeed, Minneapolis has top-notch cultural institutions, whether they be theaters, music halls or museums. The Guthrie Theater, for example, is considered one of the premier facilities in the country."

Reasons Minneapolis is a Smart Place to Live

Kiplinger made a list of 50 Smart Places to Live. The Twin Cities ranked second with this snipit: "The Twin Cities offer a hip and progressive atmosphere with a midwestern sensibility, multiple cultural outlets, pro teams in all four major sports, a dozen universities and colleges, and a diverse economy." The details can be found here and including these great features:

"Okay, Twin Cities...You're a cosmopolitan gem. And for travelers who crest a hill as they approach Minneapolis, the skyline is as riveting as Oz.

The seven-county metro area spreads out from downtown Minneapolis and St. Paul, which are built along the banks of the Mississippi. Minneapolis is progressive and hip, but with a midwestern sensibility. Its cultural beacons include the Guthrie Theater and the Walker Art Center. In St. Paul, there's the Ordway Center for the Performing Arts, home of the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra and the Minnesota Opera, and the Fitzgerald Theater, which hosts A Prairie Home Companion. The Twin Cities are among the smallest markets to have pro teams in all four major sports.

In addition to the University of Minnesota, which has two campuses, the Twin Cities are home to a dozen private colleges."

Here's just a glimpse of the 75 Reasons Why Minneapolis is the Best City in the World:

The nearby Minnesota Zoo has over 2300 animals of 447 different species.
We welcome diversity. For example, Minneapolis is hosting “Twin Cities Refugee Day” for refugees from around the world who now call Minnesota their home.
“Minneapolis’s lakes, rivers, streams, and parks comprise the best green urban environment.” -from Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak’s communications team
Getting around is a snap using light rail transit, with stops downtown, at the airport and Mall of America (17 stops total) with fares never exceeding $3.
No matter what the weather, easily travel between many hotels, restaurants and attractions using the 8-mile skyway system (the oldest and largest skyway system in the world).
Upon arrival you will transport through the third-best airport in the world (according to Airports Council International).
Minneapolis is centrally located in the U.S., with domestic flights never exceeding 3 hours (http://www.mspairport.com/ ). Take that, jet lag!
There are 22 lakes within city limits, including the popular Chain of Lakes (Lake Calhoun, Lake Harriet, Lake of The Isles), which curl around southwest Minneapolis, drawing bikers, walkers, runners and sun-seekers to the area’s hip, active neighborhoods.
Experience the “City of Lakes” at its best and walk or bike on over 50 miles of trails along the Grand Round Scenic Byway, or enjoy paths winding through the city along the Mississippi River.
Minneapolis boasts 40 miles of dedicated street lanes and 83 miles of off-street paths [for bikes.]
According to Men’s Fitness Minneapolis is the third fittest city in the nation. So when you’re here—join in on the recreation!
With 170 golf courses in the metro area and more than 600 in the state, Minneapolis is a golfer’s haven.
Minnesota has over 90,000 miles of shoreline—more than Hawaii, Florida and California combined—what’s not to love about that!
Minneapolis is second only to New York City in live theater seats per capita.
Catch Tony Award-winning shows at the Guthrie Theater and Children’s Theatre for at a fraction of the cost of a Broadway theater ticket.
Art from times B.C. to Rembrant, Dorthea Lange and Georgia O'Keefe are free to the public at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts.
Minneapolis's most famous icon, the Claes Oldenburg Spoonbridge and Cherry sculpture in Minneapolis Sculpture Garden, is free to view.
Minneapolis is home to the Walker Art Center, named by Newsweek as “possibly the best contemporary art museum in the country.”
Observe famous actors such as Ian McKellan and T.R. Knight in action at the Guthrie Theater.
Art, science and history are on display at over 57 museums in the city. Minneapolis comes in third with the number of museums per capita, next to Washington D.C. and New York City.
Theater here ranges from traditional to quirky. From Children’s Theatre to puppet-style theater at In the Heart of the Beast Puppet and Mask Theatre you can find a range of styles.
We have the oldest and longest running theater in the country—Old Log Theater —and more than 100 other theaters metro-wide.
The musical vibe of Minneapolis helps create a vibrant canvas for the city's budding dance scene. Whether you're interested in the contemporary choreography of companies like Zenon and TU Dance, or the virtuosic technique of the James Sewell Ballet and Minnesota Dance Theatre, you're sure to find a style that moves you.
Hundreds of dance troupes call Minneapolis home. Patrons can view traditional ballet, modern and ethnic dance performances or join in and dance at any number of local studios.
There’s no sales tax on apparel, so get ready to save at Mall of America, funky uptown boutiques and elegant downtown shops.
Just 15 miles south of the Minneapolis is the Mall of America—the largest mall in the nation—offering pure shopping bliss with 520+ stores.
The Mall of America attracts more visitors than Disney World, Graceland and the Grand Canyon combined.
The discount retailer hotspot, Target, lies in the heart of downtown, just down the street from Target Corporation’s world headquarters.
Upscale restaurants and popular shopping stops line the Nicollet Avenue—a pedestrian-only thoroughfare that allows locals and visitors easy access to everything they need downtown.
Minneapolis is one of the most well-read cities in the United States, according to Reuters.
Minneapolis has 18 Fortune 500 companies. That’s more per capita than any other city in the nation.

I Will Never Forget August 2009

2009-08-05T19:29:00.000-07:00

On Twitter, many folks use hashtags in their updates. Today I saw one I was curious about. Reading the real-time results for the hashtage #iwillneverforget, I was inspired to add something I will never forget each day.

This isn't exactly new for me. Already, every day, I update a blog post I create for each month (August 2009 Gratefuls) with the list of things I am grateful for each day. So I love a daily addition to a blog post ritual. This (#iwillneverforget) seemed like a particularly fun one to do:

Making snow ice cream at night after a storm with my dad at our Creekwoood house in the early 70s.
The way the trees looked as I drove west on Crosstown after a storm--the setting set turned the wet leaves of the cottonwood trees into emeralds.
My grandparent's backyard, temporarily flooded after a big thunderstorm. I can still feel the coarse grass between my toes as I waded through the warm summer rain water.
Walking, hand in hand, in the rain, with my college boyfriend from freshman year, soaking wet and kissing--a perfectly romantic moment.
8 year old Ryan crawling all over his mom while she and I visited when I first came over to talk about moving in there.
The days we all spent staying up for more than 72 hours straight when my grandmother was dying.
That day at Cannon Beach when it was 103 degrees and so foggy you couldn't see three feet in front of you. I will always remember the shallow water over my toes and the sun coming out at Haystack rock. I will always remember how silver and shining the sea was when the fog finally broke at Mo's.
All the fourths of july at parks growing up, watching fireworks displays and oh-ing and ah-ing.
Thanksgiving with the Truaxes: puzzles and chex mix
Celebrations with the Truaxes at Timberlodge
High school senior trip in Florida with Allison
Getting off the highway to go see Doug in the fall of 1988, sunny skies, Kokomo blaring on the radio.
The time that bananas dipped in chocolate were the snack for the Sunday School lesson on "fruits of the spirit".
Going to see The Last Temptation of Christ amidst yelling protestors.
The smell of Love's Baby Soft perfume. That was a *really* phallic bottle, lol.
When Scott gave me an iPhone for my birthday.
My white tank dress from college.
The graffiti bridge in Eden Prairie.
When I first wore black: summer of 1985. You know what they say. :)
First time I put gas in a car.
My Justice League of America shirt.
Being on the boat with Stephanie in Eden Prairie.
Animal crackers in the middle of the night with grandma.
The sound of the crickets on a summer night in Kansas.
The smell of fresh cut grass.
The feathery beauty of the tree in my grandparent's backyard.
Listening to Jim Brickman's Zip A Dee Do Dah on the flight to Orlando.
Election night 2000.
The Renaissance Festival, growing up in Minnesota.
Tea at the Chinese Garden.
High tea at the Heathman Hotel.

Box of Rain

2009-08-03T10:17:00.000-07:00

I need something. It has no name I can find. But I can describe it.

You know how people put time capsules in the ground? Its like that. Only I think it should be a box I don't bury. I think it should sit on my shelf where I can get to it.

I need a box that reminds me of things:

I need a reminder when I am sad that most of time I am happy and that the way things feel when I am sad is not the way things are.
I need a reminder when I am stressed about work that nothing in my job is actually an emergency. This is not Radio Free Europe.
I need a reminder that if my heart holds love for other people even when I am not thinking of them or talking to them, that such a thing might be true of others for me, and that my doubting heart is a liar.

There are all sorts of things that remind me of these truths that often slip, like water, too quickly through my fingers:

Sitting in front of the ocean does it.
Watching this video does it.
Funny enough, sometimes taking a shower does it.

Weird that its all water that helps. Maybe its a box of rain* that I need. :)

Post Script
Its now 12:39 and I posted this about 10:15. I am over my funk, so I don't know if these songs would have helped, but I suspect they would have:

Post Script Two
I called this piece "Nameless" originally, although it was always called "Box of Rain" in my heart. Still unhappy with the name hours later, I just googled types of boxes and found this list in wikipedia:

Glory box or Hope Chest, a box or chest containing items typically stored by unmarried young women in anticipation of married life.
Lunch box, or "lunch pail" or "lunch kit", a rigid container used for carrying food. Can also be decorative.
Nest box, a substitute for a hole in a tree for birds to make a nest in.
Pandora's box, in Greek mythology, a box containing the evils of mankind and also hope.
A corrugated box (sometimes called cardboard box) is a shipping container made of corrugated fiberboard rather than solid paperboard. These are most commonly used to transport and warehouse products during distribution.
A wooden box is heavy duty shipping container made of wood. See also crate.
A gaylord is a large box often used in industrial environments. It is sized to fit well on a pallet.
Wooden wine boxes, also known as wooden wine crates are used to ship and store expensive wines in transit. Most wineries that use wooden boxes engrave their logo and designs on the front panel. These panels are usually highly detailed and used by wine collectors as decoration pieces for their bars or wine cellars. A typical wooden wine box holds either six or twelve 750 ml bottles.
A Bible box is a box made to hold a Bible. These boxes started being manufactured in the 17th century.
Mailbox
Luxury box
Safe or "strong box"
A jewelry (AmE) or jewellery (BrE) box, is a receptacle for trinkets, not only jewels. It may take a very modest form, covered in leather and lined with satin, or it may be larger.
Set-top box, a device used to decode and display TV signals.
Black box (transportation), a durable data-recording device found in some vehicles, used to assist in the investigation of an accident.
Telephone box, or telephone booth, containing a public telephone.
Post office box, (often abbreviated P.O. box or PO box), a uniquely-addressable lockable box located in a post office station.
Ballot box, a box in which votes (ballot papers) are deposited during voting.
Dispatch box, (or despatch box), a box for holding official papers and transporting them.

I like the idea of a "hope chest" although the box I need wouldn't be for getting married. I like the idea of a "strong box" although this wouldn't be to hide or protect things. So I am back to "box of rain", since for me, rain brings good smells, clean leaves and streets, wonderful lightening and thunder and, in general, healing. And that's what I hope this box would do, without all the soggy shoes. Smile.

*Box of Rain is the title of a Grateful Dead song. I do not care for the Grateful Dead and I certainly don't like that song. But MAN its a GREAT title. :)

Perspective

2009-08-03T09:54:00.000-07:00

Lately, on Facebook, I have been interacting with a girl I knew in highschool. She was younger than I was and I feel like I barely knew her in highschool. Her brother was in my grade and I feel like I knew him better. I think I vaguely remember having a crush on him in 7th grade. But after all these years, seeing her life on Facebook and her brother's, I feel that she and I are more alike...might have been better friends all those years ago. And I wish I could go back and know her then.

Perspective.

That's what I have on the two of them now. Back then, I didn't know life would get better. I was trapped in a number of highly dysfunctional circumstances and hated school. I didn't know that I was going to grow up and be able to control my own life much more than I could during my teenage years. I didn't know I would be able to make choices to move away from things that hurt me and move toward things that healed, that made me laugh, to move toward love.

As I have aged, I have gained perspective.

Interestingly, this girl I barely knew in highschool writes a blog. She writes a blog in a way I have rarely seen anyone write a blog. But it is a style I wish I could teach people to mimic and implement in their own online writings.

She writes just little snippets of her life. Often there is no great moral or lesson to her posts. She is just sharing a moment of her life, sharing a thought.

And she is honest. She opens her life up, being straight about her thoughts, her flaws, her low points. Her honesty is a rare thing. And its addicting. It draws me. That in and of itself teaches me something. Gives me a push to be more honest. I like it when she does it so well.

And I have to say, it is the smallness of the subjects of her posts (as well as her honesty) that make them so helpful. Wonder of wonders, when I read the small window she gives me into her day, her mind, her heart, somehow, MY world rights itself.

I am not sure why that happens. But I think it might be perspective. She writes in a way that invites me in and for a few paragraphs, I see the world through her eyes. And then, when I am done reading and I look around at my own world, my perspective has been altered.

And that, for me, is the medicine I need: to put down my own glasses and try on someone else's. The way you see things, changes everything.

So thanks Bonnie. Thanks for your words. Thanks for your heart. Thanks for the perspective. I can see clearly now.

sanctuary

2009-07-25T06:38:00.000-07:00

home
–noun
1. a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.
2. the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.
3. an institution for the homeless, sick, etc.: a nursing home.
4. the dwelling place or retreat of an animal.
5. the place or region where something is native or most common.
6. any place of residence or refuge: a heavenly home.
7. a person's native place or own country.
8. (in games) the destination or goal.
9. a principal base of operations or activities: The new stadium will be the home of the local football team.
Synonyms:
1. abode, dwelling, habitation; domicile. See house.
2. hearth, fireside. 3. asylum.

it was winter when it started

I would sit
working on something
busy

And all of a sudden, I would be awash in a memory:
driving west on the Crosstown, after it wound under 494,
the cottonwoods wet with the just passed storm
my windows open as the sun set

And in that moment, in my apartment, 1700 miles away,
I could smell the storm in the air
see the sun shining through the trees
turning the wet leaves into emeralds

Or another day:
Again, thinking of something else
and then flooded with the smell of fresh cut grass
on a hot summer afternoon
as the sun baked the prairie
and the wind made waves as it swept across the meadow

And then later,
something I thought would never happen:
This time I was sitting in a waiting room
and remembered
with a warm heart
the squeaky sound snow makes
when its really cold and you walk on it
I remembered watching, late at night, big flakes falling softly under a street light
I remembered the trees, stark and black
against the bright blanket of white
and the dazzling blue of the sky
after a blizzard

And finally, laying in bed
I recalled the the way sky looks
stretching all the way out to the horizon

my brain, like a computer
is sending my heart messages
"remember this?" it asks
and as the images flash
after all these years
I remember the smells, the sounds, the colors
of home

"Its been so long," I think.
How can it be home still?

I look up "home" in the dictionary and read the synonyms
I follow the first link to a word that takes my breath away
sanctuary

I nod
s l o w l y
and begin to pack

July 25 2009

A Musical Challenge

2009-07-22T16:52:00.000-07:00

Another Facebook Meme: using only song titles from ONE ARTIST cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 15 people (or not) and include me. Try not to repeat a song title.

Pick Your Artist: Barry Manilow

Are you male or female: Mandy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z64YFNsBGMA

Describe yourself: All the Time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OX5e4A2tFk

How do you feel about yourself: One Voice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKPWzLgvgW4

Describe your current boy/girl situation: Ready To Take A Chance Again
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDNqqtd0jo8

Describe where you currently live: I Made It Through The Rain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlQPnNy6JR0

If you could go anywhere you wanted to go: Copocabana
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_o8F36CfHU

Your favorite form of transportation: Ships
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQm1WyKkhmE

Your best friend(s) is(are): The Old Songs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nf1iw3fF4s

Favorite time of day: Daybreak
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=co67qL5_e7o

If your life were a TV show, what would it be called: Can't Smile Without You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXeIF6Qk7DM

What is life to you: Its A Miracle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9qcHIw-pdg

What is the best advice you have to give: Could It Be Magic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lin5nEJErI

Thought for the Day: When October Goes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEpj68Qf5jQ

How I would like to die: Somewhere Down the Road
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFzqLSDIiRs

My soul's present condition: This One's For You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wJKSi7enmA

the magic of flying

2009-05-19T05:43:00.000-07:00

I am on a plane flying to vegas, enroute to baltimore.

my favorite part of flying is taking off and landing.

I love taking off because it seems like when you leave the ground, you are suddenly in this magic place called airspace.

magical things happen in the air.

in the air you are transported so quickly to places it would take days to drive or sail and weeks to walk.
once I flew all the way across the mighty ocean and got off the plane in Amsterdam
!!!

times flies when you're in the air
you leave one time zone and arrive in another.
you take off in the day and when you land, night has fallen.
once I flew from the east to the west right at sunset and we chased the sun all the way to the ocean where it fell beneath the horizon and painted the water with its fire

but most of all
flying
being in the air
seems magical because it seems that as the plane leaves the ground and hurtles through the air
we all get to loosen the shackles of gravity and time and place

flying makes all things seems possible
and I love that feeling
I love the pure, unadulterated optimism of it

february 24 2009
for t. a. p.

I <3 Music

2009-05-02T07:02:00.000-07:00

I use Pandora. I use lastfm. I use iLike. But I don't love any of them and I think what I want is one place where I can catalog every song I like. Which seems ambitious. But still.

So I am trying a blog post. We will see how it goes:

80s

Wake Me Up Before You Go Go
Walk Like An Egyptian
Vogue
Cherish
Jump
Jack and Diane
I Want Your Sex
Sledgehammer
Addicted to Love
Simply Irresistible
No One Is To Blame
We Didn't Start The Fire
Funkytown
Blinded Me With Science
She Drives Me Crazy
Thriller
What A Feeling
Footloose
Mr. Roboto
Its Still Rock and Roll To ME

70s

Brandy
Eli's Coming
Joy To The World
Keep on Tryin'
Don't Go Breakin My Heart
Rocket Man

Oldies

Rockin Robin
Folsom Prison Blues
That's Alright Mama
Hound Dog
Blue Suede Shoes
Bye Bye Love
Johnny B Goode
Mack The Knife
Twist and Shout
The Beatles
The Beach Boys

Since Wham Broke Up

Meet Virginia
Walking On Broken Glass
Kryptonite
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Love Walks In
Bad Day
When Did You Fall In Love

Amy Grant

After the Fire
Takes A Little Time
Sing Your Praise To The Lord
Keep It On Going
Wise Up
Doubly Good

Michael Buble

Everything
Try A Little Tenderness
Fever
You Don't Know Me
Home
Feeling Good

Instrumental

Cello Suite #1 in G, Bach
Pachelbel's Canon in D
Moonlight Sonata
Ode to Joy
Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring
Hallelujah Chorus

Soundtracks

Ally McBeal: For Once in My Life
Babe
Beauty & The Beast
The Big Chill
Catch Me If You Can
Charlie & The Chocolate Factory
Chicago
The Firm
Footloose
Friends
Friends: Again
Grease
Grosse Pointe Blank
Hannibal
Keeping the Faith
The Lion King
The Little Mermaid
Mary Poppins
Michael
Moulin Rouge
Music and Lyrics
One Fine Day
Practical Magic
Pretty Woman
Sabrina
Sleepless in Seattle
Sound of Music
The Sting
Thirtysomething
Twilight
Walk the Line
What Women Want
When Harry Met Sally
You've Got Mail

Country

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys, Willie Nelson, 1979
Devil Went Down To Georgia, Charlie Daniels Band, 1979
My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys, Willie Nelson, 1979
Fancy, Reba McEntire, 1980
Mountain Music, Alabama, 1982
If You're Gonna Play In Texas, Alabama 1984
Thunder Rolls, Garth Brooks, 1990
Friends In Low Places, Garth Brooks, 1990
She's In Love With The Boy, Trisha Yearwood, 1991
Love, Me, Colin Raye, 1992
No One Else On Earth, Wynonna Judd, 1992
The Dance, Garth Brooks, 1989
Forever's As Far As I'll Go, Alabama, 1991
Walkaway Joe, Trisha Yearwood, 1992
She Is His Only Need, Wynonna Judd, 1992
Life's A Dance, John Michael Montgomery, 1992
I Feel Lucky, Mary Chapin Carpenter, 1993
I Love The Way You Love Me, John Michael Montgomery, 1993
Don't Take The Girl, Tim McGraw, 1994
I Like It, I Love It, Tim McGraw, 1995
I Can Love You Like That, John Michael Montgomery, 1995
Any Man of Mine, Shania Twain, 1995
Sold (Grundy County Auction), John Michael Montgomery, 1995
Man, I Feel Like A Woman, Shania Twain, 1997
I'm Alright, Jo Dee Messina, 1998
To Make You Feel My Love, Garth Brooks, 1998
This Kiss, Faith Hill, 1998
Amazed, Lonestar, 1999
Lullaby, Dixie Chicks, 2002
Live Like You Were Dying, Tim McGraw, 2004
I Go Back, Kenny Chesney, 2005
Don't Blink, Kenny Chesney, 2007

from planned obsolescence to community innovation

2009-04-23T06:56:00.001-07:00

It’s not that we’re not preparing our children for the future. It’s that we’re not even preparing them for right now. - Tarehna Wicker

For a long time I have been dismayed about the lack of technology/information literacy education we provide students in K12 and higher education.

For this and many other reasons, I am so glad Barack Obama is president. I am hoping that the technology leanings so evident in his campaign will dominate his administration as well. I am hoping he and his secretary of education will sweep through all 16 years of education in this country and leave in their wake Laptops for Every Student and Free Wireless on Every Campus programs.

According to the Center for Public Education, over 49 million children went to K12 school in 2006. For the sake of simplifying the math, let's call it 50 million. And according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 11.3 million 16-24 year olds attend college. For the sake of simplifying the math, let's call it 12 million. So that's 62 million students. I grant you, that is a lot of computers to buy. But I always say, you can build schools or you can build prisons. And its less than we are spending in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Now, we could just leave things as they are. But if we do that, I worry that public education will be put on a planned obsolescence track. The world is no longer a place where memorizing the date of the Gettysburg Address is a relevant part of anyone's education. If our schools cannot revitalize themselves and start educating students for at least the world we all live in now our schools will soon be recognized for what they are: obsolete institutions that house and feed large groups of captives. That sounds dangerously similar to the definition of a prison to me.

All this is to say nothing of the need to educated students for the world they will live in when they graduate. If you are in kindergarten in the Fall of 2009, you will graduate from college in 2025. Given that, we need our schools, or PTAs, or school boards, our universities, our US department of educations to be filled with dreamers who are imagining what the world will be like then. We need those dreamers to be designing curricula that equips students with the skills they need to thrive in THAT world.

But...here's the thing. One of my favorite quotes is: "There are no more prizes for predicting rain. There are only prizes for building arks." (Lou Gerstner, CEO of IBM) So complaining about the lack of anything in education is no longer allowed. No complaining unless you are willing to do something about the problem.

So...I aim to think globally and act locally. How about you? Are you worried about technology and information literacy in K12 and higher ed? If you are, I say, let's get together. Let's brainstorm. Let's come up with one idea, or 100 ideas. And let's implement something. Portland is a tech haven and heaven. Its an open source mecca. And we have the most engaged tech community (possibly in the world.) Let's implement something great and create a model for school revitalization that will be copied in cities the nation over. We live in Portland. From our transportation to our city government to our tech community we create the kind of innovations that is studied and copied all the time. Yes we can.

I am thinking we should meet each other at Ignite5 and plan our first brainstorming meeting in March 2009.

Are you in?

web 2.0 transforming not just technology, but teaching

2009-04-23T06:55:00.000-07:00

Having had the good fortune to receive training in student-centered teaching during my preparation for a career as a professor, I have long been an advocate of classroom practices:

that puts learning in the hands of the students
that walks the indescribable journey from meeting as a class to building a community of students--the journey that is so hard to put into words because its different for each professor, so hard to pin down, but is for sure equal parts vulnerability, hope, truth, and silliness
that create lifelong learners rather than content containers

This fascination has led me--naturally, it seems to me--to explore technology. I have been in love with technology ever since--in the early 80s--I wandered into a new thing at my high school: a computer lab! It had been announced that my high school had gotten a grant and students should come try out these things called computers. I stood in the doorway of a room filled with small, upright, white boxes. They were called Apples. I have to say: they had me at hello.

But my love of technology is not, in large part, shared by those in my profession. I remember the days--a few years back--when the sentiment in academe was that young people today are disconnected. Part of this stemmed out of the very popular book Bowling Alone. And part of the blame for these young people and their lack of connection--in this conversation that went on inside the ivory tower--fell at the feet of technology. I remember hearing people in the academy say online communities weren't really communities. I knew, the first time I heard it, that there was something wrong with it.

The crux of my argument (in those days) against this line of thinking was that people don't change. People--most people--crave connection. I think what is happening when people use technology is driven--a lot of the time--by a desire to connect. (Calm down. I am not saying its all connection driven. Just that more than 50% of it is.) I guess I can see a whole bunch of people (from all over the world) on the phone together playing WOW as the trying to connect. Those WOW guys? I knew them in college. Trust me, they wanted to connect. But a phone line and a computer made it easier than it was for them than it was in high school. And who is to say there is only one right, real, best way to connect?

So I had an early bias toward technology. This showed up in my teaching. First of all, I studied film & television. So the technology is built right in. My classes are filled with watching media on the big screen. But, in addition, I have tried all sorts of technology in my classes: powerpoint, course management systems, online readings, eportfolios. And my technology dabbling never ends. This quarter I had students write blogs. (I will have to blog about how successful that was.) I am currently eager to integrate Facebook into my classes.

For me personally, technology helps me make learning and content and knowledge real and integrated into my student lives. Its no coincidence that the first time I used technology in the classroom--I showed clips from TV shows--I used that technology because I was trying to illustrate a concept. I was trying to make something that my students had read in a book come to life. I was trying to involve them. Really I was trying to get them to see that they were already involved in the stuff that was written in that book.

Around eight years ago, Martin Scorsese made a commercial in which he spoke about the draw movies have for him. He said that when he watched a movie he often looked at the screen and said to himself, "that's me up there." I couldn't have said it better myself. And that's how I use film and television in my class: to get students to bring the knowledge into themselves. To, with Martin Scorsese, say "that's me up there." To connect.

And, to me, that's what all technology does. It helps us connect, make connections, see connections that were there all along. No coincidence that we call it the web. For some of my students, the thing that engages them is Facebook. Some blog. Some Twitter. Its different for each student. But so many of them see the interconnectedness of their social networks through using technology. That is a invaluable thing for them to see. But a hard thing to teach, without the aid of technology. Its like technology is one big Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game. For some of my students, technology accomplishes what I can never explain in words. And, for me, that's a good thing--I don't want to be lecturing at them anyway!

This morning I read an article that illustrates the connective power of technology in teaching amazingly well. It is an interview with David Parry about using Twitter in the classroom. I love this idea! I am a bit obsessed with Twitter myself, so I was predisposed to agree with David. But he was very articulate about the nebulous/ethereal effects of using Twitter. You really do have to try to experience it. But it is a magic I have never before experienced. Community magic. Connection magic.

This article led me to search out who David Parry is. I was grateful to find his blog, which seems admirably insightful (and I intend to read every entry back to the beginning.) I also found his homepage at his university. His homepage has the heartrendingly profound quote:

We are awaiting or hoping for an other book, a book to come that will transfigure or even rescue the book from the shipwreck that is happening at present. -- Jacques Derrida

For me, this quote was brilliant, and I immediate saw a connection to not only books but to the university.

The university, by and large, remains unchanged from hundreds of years ago (in how it looks and functions.) Our bricks and mortar classrooms have changed very little. But our students and our world has changed 180 degrees. Night and day differences. The fact that I work at a university that doesn't have information literacy as a learning goal is ridiculous. The fact that our students live in an interconnected world of social networks and technology and communication and we ask them to enter a classroom, sit still, be quiet, read books they hold in their hands, and listen to one source of knowledge is indefensible. Its not just a disservice. It is a shame.

The teaching methods most prevalent in academe do not prepare students for the world they will work in (and after all, most of them already work, and most of them already live in the 21st century.)

But its not all bad news. The academy has some shining stars. And David Parry is one of them. It is fortunate that innovative professors share with their efforts to transform teaching into a student-centered pursuit. And using Web 2.0 technology is often a favorite transformational tool.

Shining a spotlight on this kind of teaching encourages those of us who try this sort of thing (in the face of institutions that do not formally support it) to carry on their transformations. And it prods me to focus on all the examples of fine, connected, student-centered teaching I know...and to seek out more. Stay tuned to this blog for an upcoming way to gather all these transformational examples of great teaching with Web 2.0 technology...

Keep your face to the sunlight and you cannot see the shadow.
-- Helen Keller

Great Presentation Style

2009-04-23T06:54:00.001-07:00

Borrowing from Lawrence Lessig, Dick Hardt is seen here, at OSCON 2005 (in lovely Portland), giving an interesting presentation, with a refreshing style. Give it a look-see. Here's hoping traditional powerpoint presentations die a quick death!

The Machine is Us/ing Us

2009-04-23T06:53:00.003-07:00

This is the first of the great videos created by the brilliant folks at KState, in Manhattan, Kansas--my birthplace, and where my parents got their first degrees.

Its not only a great video for folks who aren't that knowledgeable about technology, but raises all the right issues about authorship and ownership and paradigm shifts.

My favorite. :)

Vision of Students Today

2009-04-23T06:53:00.001-07:00

This video has been out for several months, but I love the work of the folks who put out this video. As faculty for the past six years, I am pleased to see this picture of students get some attention.

I hope that this video causes universities to pay more attention to students than to content. More attention to the reason they, as institutions, exist than to disciplines and politics and power.